Secession May Not Be So Bad

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  • Thanksgiving 2012 is upon us, but is everyone giving thanks for living in our grand old republic?

    NOOOO. There are those not happy to be living here in the U.S. of A. As there was in 1860, there is now talk of secession.

    My colleague Tonyaa Weathersbee covered this topic earlier this month, writing that she thought we’d settled this matter of secession way back in 1865, when the Civil War ended.

    There are those that scoff at the notion of secession in the year 2012, dismissing those advocating it as bona fide nut jobs. But perhaps we need to take the folks talking secession a bit more seriously.

    If you think about it a moment, you’d realize that some of the states that might want to secede are precisely those states you’d want to secede.

    I have a personal wish list of states I’d LOVE to have secede from the Union. Without further ado, because I’ve already “adood” enough in this column, I present them below.

    1. Alaska: this state is on the list strictly for geographic reasons. With its location so far west and north, it seems Alaska should rightly belong to Canada.

    Don’t believe me? Take a look at Alaska on any map, nestled right up there against the province of British Columbia. Doesn’t Alaska look so, so, well, so CANADIAN?

    2. California: It’s our most populous state, one that most people would hate to see leave the Union. But, as the state that also provides more bona fide screwballs per square mile than other states, old Cali just might have to go.

    3. Maryland: my home state, one so Papa Smurf blue Jesus Christ couldn’t get elected to statewide office if he ran as a Republican. How bad is Maryland? Former Gov. Robert Ehrlich, a Republican, put it best.

    This is the state that RAISED college and university tuition for students that were born here, and LOWERED it for the children of illegal immigrants.

    For such nonsense, Maryland should be allowed to secede – forced to secede, if necessary – so it can become the one-party Marxist banana republic state Democrats wish that it were. And think that it is.

    4. Florida: this state has to go because it harbors way too many Cuban, anti-Castro basket cases responsible for the misguided foreign policy American presidents have adopted toward Cuba for over 50 years.

    Once Florida secedes, my dream scenario would be for Cuban leader to then annex the entire state, claiming that with such a large number of Cubans there, attaching Florida to Cuba would be nothing more than an Anschluss, Latino style.

    Hey, I’m just saying.

    5. Mississippi: I’m reluctant to add too many Southern states to this list. Yes, it was Southern states that originally seceded and led the nation into four years of bloody civil war.

    And yes, Southern states did more than their share of busting black folks humps over the years. But this fact remains, and it’s darn near indisputable: without the South, America would be a different country culturally, especially in terms of music and literature. And I don’t mean “different” in a good way.

    One of those states that contributed to the culture is Mississippi, but as the state that most fervently clings to its racist, secessionist past, it’s got to go. Mississippi didn’t even ratify the 13th Amendment, the one that abolished slavery, until sometime in the 1990s.

    You read that right: the 1990s, not the 1890s. Shame, shame, we all know your name, Mississippi.

    6. New Jersey: why am I picking on them, residents of the Garden State will ask. But they know the answer.

    It’s your driving, people. And you know it’s your driving. I don’t claim to have driven everywhere in the United States, or even mostly everywhere.

    But I’ve driven in Los Angeles and Arizona, Chicago and Detroit. I’ve made the drive from Baltimore to Louisville, Kent. I’ve driven from Baltimore to Atlanta, Baltimore to St. Petersburg, Fla., Baltimore to as far north as Maine.

    In all the places I’ve driven, New Jerseyites are by far the worst drivers. No one else even comes close.

    Left turns from far right lanes and vice versa. Turning at intersections without yielding the right of way to oncoming traffic. You name it, and Jerseyites have done it when it comes to driving, and they do it routinely, if it’s bad driving.

    This was the worst: on New Jersey’s Garden State Parkway – which I’ve renamed the Garden State Nutway in honor of my favorite drivers – there are toll booths marked “Eazy Pass,” “Exact Change” and “Cash Only.”

    I’ve seen Jerseyites backed up in the exact change lanes with empty or nearly empty cash only lanes nearby. None of these dimwits moves from the exact change lane to the cash only lane because they’re too dense to realize that if they have exact change, they also have cash.

    Let’s have New Jersey secede, and then ban their drivers from the rest of our states.

     

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