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I’m learning that the most interesting time of a person’s life second to the teenage years, are the toddler years. I’d never thought about it before but living with a small, developing person magnifies how complex the mind is.

Just think, around the age of one babies begin to assert their independence. The kid’s communication skills are getting better and they’re more confident that people they’re demanding stuff from are finally “getting it.” The only issue is that there isn’t anything recorded into their brains yet so there’s no reference point for anything.

We’re dealing with a blank cassette tape here. Every experience from this point on is the result of a power struggle going on between emotion and raw instinct. Of course, reasoning skills will slowly develop, but in the meantime, you’ll have to deal with a tiny sociopath who will sell you out for a cookie without blinking.

Recently, Liam peed on the carpet and it wasn’t an accident. The boy pulled off his diaper, looked me in the eyes and watered the carpet. This wasn’t the first time either. As soon as he began walking, at some point, he’d rip off his diaper like they were break-away pants and relieve himself on the floor. After much pondering, I came up with three reasons why my son would be that guy you hated to party with because he couldn’t hold his booze.

Year One: You mean stuff comes out of both ends?

When a one-year old pees on your floor, I think it’s because watching something pour out of your body at that age is darn-right fascinating. On top of that, gravity is still the greatest show on earth.

Year Two: This Is My House!

Terrible twos go beyond tantrums and overuse of the word “No.”It’s a way of life that influences everything a toddler does. A two-year old believes that the planet revolves around them and if you disagree, that’s your problem. The floor will be wet not because of an accident or because it’s cool. It goes down because in their little hearts they believe it’s their carpet and you’re only allowed to walk on it.

Year Three: Because F*** You, This Is Funny.

By age three, a child’s vocabulary has grown dramatically and they’re able to communicate more with words. Most likely, you have a shrunken-down Kanye West marching through the crib breaking out into a show at any moment.

Three year-olds know they’re cute and are eager to entertain. Unfortunately, those one-person performances sometimes come at your expense. Making you laugh and proving they’re a Jedi in the art of urinating is the reason a three-year old toddler pees on the floor.

Because my kid isn’t four, I can’t speak on that yet but for those of you out there who knows how a four-year old gets down, please chime in. I’d love to hear it. If there’s no one who’s been around a four year-old that pees on the floor,  I’d have to assume that behavior goes dormant until the 20s.

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