Relationships ain’t easy. The ups and downs of love drive most of reality TV and in real life, they can end up in pain, disillusionment and sometimes violence. Even money and fame provide little protection from the problems that challenge people in intimate relationships. In Best Picture director Ben Affleck’s now famous Oscar acceptance speech, he thanked his wife, Jennifer Garner, for “doing the work” with him for the last decade. Singer Fantasia, distraught over reports that her boyfriend’s estranged wife was suing her, once attempted suicide, while the internet tormented her for sleeping with a married man. Will Smith told an audience in Philadelphia that money and fame didn’t mean he and his wife of 17 years,  Jada Pinkett Smith, don’t have their issues.

There are  plenty of good people who end up in bad relationships.

Author/healer/TV personality Iyanla Vanzant says in her books “The Value in the Valley”  and “In the Meantime” that relationships are only as healthy as the people involved in them.

Dr. Robin Smith, a recent guest on “The Tom Joyner Morning Show”, promoting her new book “Hungry,” says that what we are hungry for more than anything else is believing in our own self-worth.

If you look at posts on black women’s websites, one of the most common relationship questions is some variation of “I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat me right/cheats on my repeatedly/is married/is dysfunctional, disrespectful or abusive but I can’t leave them.”

Most of the time, responses to this question go this way: Pick up your self-esteem, sister, and move on. Pack your bags, leave him now, stop sleeping with him, love yourself, etc. etc. What no one says is how hard it can be to leave even a truly dysfunctional relationship. There is usually something that keeps you there – whether it’s emotional, financial or sexual security – no matter how crazy it looks to the outside world.

The problem is that relationships cannot resolve your life’s issues. If you were not loved as a child, if your parents, the people who you counted on for love and support, did not provide you with necessary nurturing, you will not be able to get that later from a life partner, no matter how loving or caring he or she is. That is not a relationship’s role. For African Americans still dealing with the legacy of generations of slavery, trying to fill the lack of wholeness in another is just too hard when they are often not whole themselves.

Will Smith and Sister Souljah co-hosted an event earlier this year for the release of Sister Souljah’s new book “A Deeper Love Inside.” During the event, Smith talked about the struggles we all have in relationships.

“In this world, there are difficulties with just getting out of the bed everyday. Trying to love on top of that is excruciating. It is absolutely not something to be taken lightly or easy when you say you’re going to marry somebody. You have to be willing to go through hell. You have to be willing to collide with the weakest parts of yourself.

You have to look at the things about you on a higher spiritual plane. You have to look at the things about you that are cowardly, that are angry or mean, resentful. You have to be able to look at those things about yourself that are not spiritually healthy parts. Love truly is when you change yourself for a better love with someone.”

If you can’t leave a bad relationship, learn from it (excluding relationships where physical abuse or threats are involved, those you do need to leave and fast.) If you are getting less of what you want from another, ask more of yourself. You can’t control other people. You can’t change them, make them love you or themselves or stop hurtful behaviors. But you can change.  In any relationship, the most important person is you.

Are you whole? Are you healthy? Are you healed from childhood wounds and a dysfunctional past? If not, don’t worry about leaving as much as you worry about loving yourself by treating yourself the way you want to be treated. If you can’t go, grow. Prioritize your own happiness and you will find the strength to heal yourself and maybe your relationship, or have the courage to leave it.

Fantasia, once the poster girl for dysfunctional love (and unfairly so, as she was not only vindicated in court, she is hardly the first or the only woman to find herself in a similar situation) says she is single these days, focused on her career and raising her children.

“I, at one point, I wanted to make everybody else happy,” she told Sister to Sister. “To love him (Antwuan Cook, her then boyfriend) to make sure Zion was okay, to make sure everything—but I had to get to a place where I had to learn how to love Fantasia. I never did that… And if I don’t love myself, then I can’t be in a relationship.”

Also On Black America Web:

5 thoughts on “When Bad Relationships Happen to Good People

  1. petersml on said:

    I think a visualized presentation can be superior then only a trouble-free text, if stuff are defined in pictures one can without difficulty be familiar with these.

  2. Hi ,
    Extramarital Affairs do not mean intend to cheat on wife over a maid or any status.
    Extramarital Affairs are designed and developed for Medical Purposes .
    It has nothing to do with Religion but completely linked with Utter Human Rights.
    It is used to measure the Mental Health Problems which mostly occur in Men, rarely in women.
    Women are created in such a way that she accepts the idea of being married and understand its importance. But man is created differently and that’s why most men reacted strangely when they are become very well established / no established. For instance, Ages ago , Adam came alone on Earth during that time never knows what Adam could hold of thoughts. He was descendent from Heaven for a divine purpose but Human mind capable of roaming freely in his / her dreams .When God realised that Adam is alone and feels no good , so God created Eve in accordance with his desire or dreams.

    For Instance, if a guy /boy who is single and have no courage,luck or mindset to get, win or approach a desired partner for marriage ,so he is allowed to make friendship with married woman or in other words , friends with benefit . Let me explain you ,the benefits does not mean taking advantage of money in return. In accordance with finding it means ” Sharing is Caring which is absolutely regardless of any Agreement or Greed .It is practised under the permission of Government who allows Special people ( Minor level , mostly Mentally Retardation, Depressed due to Hopeless, minor case of Schizophrenia or mixed ) to practise this exercise only on only physically attractive married women under the supervision or knowledge of Psychologist or Related Field Practitioners. A General Practitioner or Mental Health Doctors may also engage to undertake the responsibility of the Mental Patient for cure, privately but under the knowledge of Govt ( Medical and Social Department ). Only Medicines can not make the Mental Patient cured but often some other activities must also be included to prevent the Mental Patients from deep implications. Deep Implications mostly take place due to regular dose of Medicines and physical exercises which has also side effects. These Side effects are no good sign for Mental Patient and therefore it varies the Pattern of that Mental Patient from one form to addition another form. Physical Exercise is no doubt good but stresses he gets from exercises should has to be relieved.For that the Mental Patient do not have to feel under burden otherwise it may have 80% chances to form other kind of Mental disease . That’s why Psychiatric Doctors get amazed when Patient is healthy and when Patient gets worse in no time . Check and ask from any Psychiatric Doctors who may claim that she has completely cured or nearly cured the Mental Patient and he / she is taking no drug any more since.The Doctors will lie and try to cover up the stories and cases because he / she has licensed to experiment on us .This is a tried and tried practice and shall be Obselete / Obsolescence in future .That’s why Affinitive Aunt or Medical Practitioners plays an important role in becoming promiscuous playful muses to treat the Mental Patient softly and handle him with care.

    So there is a confusion in understanding the Concept of Extramarital Affairs which has nothing to do with Romance , Domestic Matters , Marital Matters or Religion Matters .It does exist but for such Mental Patient .

    Therefore , Families who undertake this sense of responsibilities may confront problems and troubles from society.

    TY .

  3. Pingback: When Bad Relationships Happen To Good People | Praise 103.9

  4. Pingback: When Bad Relationships Happen To Good People | Praise 1300

  5. Pingback: Tom Joyner News: When Bad Relationships Happen to Good People! | 93.1 WZAK

Add Your Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s