Russ Parr Horrorscopes

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It’s time for another reading of the “Daily Horrorscope,” where Alfredas keeps it real by telling every astrological sign the harsh truth about themselves for today’s date of May 13th, 2022.

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Read your horoscope below:

Aries: When a man tries to impress you by telling you what he does for a living, remember, chefs don’t work at the Waffle House.

Taurus: You got food poisoning from your local carryout yet you keep going back because the shrimp fried rice is so good.

Gemini: Your new boss might be getting a little too comfortable if they greet you with “what’s up home skillet?”

Cancer: Get a new church if all of your Pastor’s daughters are in the 1% in earnings on OnlyFans.

Leo: You’re being arrested at the Golden Corral You know damn well there were no to-go boxes.

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Virgo: Why is it that as soon as you’re asked to pay child support? Oh, now you want a DNA test done?

Libra: Why are you a Ja Morant’s hotel trying to reach him but you have to settle for his daddy. But you know, his daddy does look like Usher…

Scorpio: If you hate going to church, and you’re the Pastor, that’s not good…

Sagittarius: Stop telling people what they need to do with their lives while you’re asking them for $5 to get some Newports.

Capricorn: What up with the British accent and you’re from Southeast DC? What is this about?

Aquarius: You might be hood if you’ve been called by your nickname so much that You even forgot your real name.

Pisces: Yeah you wanna retire from MMA fighting if you got yo ass beat by a golfer in a bar fight.

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