When Bad Relationships Happen to Good People

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Will Smith and Sister Souljah co-hosted an event earlier this year for the release of Sister Souljah’s new book “A Deeper Love Inside.” During the event, Smith talked about the struggles we all have in relationships.

“In this world, there are difficulties with just getting out of the bed everyday. Trying to love on top of that is excruciating. It is absolutely not something to be taken lightly or easy when you say you’re going to marry somebody. You have to be willing to go through hell. You have to be willing to collide with the weakest parts of yourself.

You have to look at the things about you on a higher spiritual plane. You have to look at the things about you that are cowardly, that are angry or mean, resentful. You have to be able to look at those things about yourself that are not spiritually healthy parts. Love truly is when you change yourself for a better love with someone.”

If you can’t leave a bad relationship, learn from it (excluding relationships where physical abuse or threats are involved, those you do need to leave and fast.) If you are getting less of what you want from another, ask more of yourself. You can’t control other people. You can’t change them, make them love you or themselves or stop hurtful behaviors. But you can change.  In any relationship, the most important person is you.

Are you whole? Are you healthy? Are you healed from childhood wounds and a dysfunctional past? If not, don’t worry about leaving as much as you worry about loving yourself by treating yourself the way you want to be treated. If you can’t go, grow. Prioritize your own happiness and you will find the strength to heal yourself and maybe your relationship, or have the courage to leave it.

Fantasia, once the poster girl for dysfunctional love (and unfairly so, as she was not only vindicated in court, she is hardly the first or the only woman to find herself in a similar situation) says she is single these days, focused on her career and raising her children.

“I, at one point, I wanted to make everybody else happy,” she told Sister to Sister. “To love him (Antwuan Cook, her then boyfriend) to make sure Zion was okay, to make sure everything—but I had to get to a place where I had to learn how to love Fantasia. I never did that… And if I don’t love myself, then I can’t be in a relationship.”

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