I’ve been married 10 months to my husband and the entire relationship, we never formed a close, natural sexual bond. I still married him hoping it would improve. He’s diabetic, with low T (testosterone) and seemingly some ED (erectile dysfunction) The testosterone foam now injections have helped. What else can I do to be faithful?
With a diabetic male spouse, initiate sexual intimacy through a) non penetrative foreplay, b) talk provocatively and explicitly to arouse one another, c) shop at sex stores together & get sexual toys to facilitate penetration, d) oral sex and total body erotica, and e) finding different places to be sexual (a surprise night in a hotel, the kitchen counter, balcony, etc). Do not put the focus on his ability to obtain erection. Make him feel like a man and do not hold back in teaching him how to make you feel desirable and sexually fulfilled.
Is it OK to want a few drinks before sex?
Our ability to become uninhibited during sexual activity can be difficult to elicit. While there is nothing wrong with drinking alcohol prior to sex, it is important that it does not become a prerequisite. Explore other ways to “tap into” your sensuality & sexuality. These include music, meditation, visual suggestiveness (lighting, clothing, ambience, aroma), & jacuzzi /bubble baths.
Doctor, is it wrong to marry just for the kids?
Unfortunately, marriage will not “work” if the foundation is any third party, as opposed to the two taking the vow. The beauty of the principle of “for the children” is that it implies a common ground of values. Not every parent is willing to make sacrifices for their children. If you and your spouse share in this value, then build on it for your own fulfillment in one another. Write out what you most need in a partner. Study one another’s list, then open discussion. Read the book Conscious Loving by Gay & Kathleen Hendricks. Do not hesitate to seek counseling (through a faith leader, relationship retreat, individual and/or marital counseling).
Is an emotional affair really infidelity or cheating?
Emotional affairs (even mental fantasies with third parties) can be more toxic than one-night stands. The heart is the most powerful expression of thought, feeling, and eventually, behavior. While attraction to others may naturally come up, it is important to redirect these thoughts and emotions before they spiral and tangle us. Discern what it is that attracts you, then recall what in your spouse attracts (or originally attracted) you. While there may be significant differences, remember that it is easy to find “part” of a person very magnetic. It is more difficult to maintain attraction when all of the person steps into the light.
I have been married for 13 years. We had not had intercourse since last Valentine’s Day. To be truthful, we are just roommates.
Many married couples evolve to a non-sexual relationship. If both parties are content, there is nothing wrong with a lack of sex. However, a non-intimate relationship in marriage is unhealthy. Cultivate intimacy by sharing your thoughts, hobbies, dreams & vision. Snuggle with one another. Sneak off together to capture special moments. Share experiences exclusively with one another.
What do you do when your partner doesn’t want to have sex when you do?
While spouses should be equally yoked in faith, values & ambition, it is hard to be equally yoked with regards to sexual appetite at all times. It’s important to compromise and value the other spouse’s need for emotional and sexual gratification. Open communication is the only way to ensure that resentment and other baggage is not draining from sexual desire. Be sure that both of you are “good” emotionally first. Ask your spouse about underlying physical conditions that may hinder their sex drive. Then, explore how you can compromise to fulfill one another. Penetration is not the only option.
Is oral sex safe?
Yes, oral sex in monogamous relationships is safe. The risk of transmission of sexual disease exists, as in all sexual contact. There are female condoms and dental dams to protect from infection. Broken skin and bleeding increase the risk. Both parties can be tested for infection in a monogamous relationship; and, once this “clean bill of health” is presented, you can feel free to engage fully with one another.
If you love your mate so much that you ache when they are away and you can’t wait to see them again, is that too much love and a road to heartbreak?
Loving your spouse and desiring to be in their presence is a gift, not a curse. There can be no such thing as too much love. Every form of faith reaffirms that love is the most powerful, compelling emotion in the human spectrum. It is other emotions, such as insecurity, loneliness, emptiness, suspicion and jealousy, that must be kept in check. Let your love shine, and find ways to connect when you are physically distanced from one another.
Can couples keep the spark in their relationship by going to the bedroom first and then having a difficult conversation?
Bedroom connection can precede difficult conversations. What matters is that, as a couple, you are able to have the difficult, uncomfortable conversations in a way that each party listens well, puts him/her self in the other party’s shoes and that the couple can discuss, resolve, and move on from the topic. Sexual chemistry should not substitute the ability to face obstacles and unpleasantries together as a team.
I‘ve known my husband 16 yrs and have been married 11 years of the 16. My husband confided in me that he was introduced to sex at an early age through acts with babysitters and other girls. He went thru a period where he was “addicted” to watching porn during our marriage and it really affected my feelings towards him. I thought we got through it with counseling, but recently he said he has been watching it again and he feels he needs help as he no longer gets anything from it but wonders why he keeps wanting to look at it. It has affected me mentally and our sex life is suffering can you give me anything to get thru this and still see my husband as I did before this all happened?
Thank you for your candor in this question (which will help many couples!). Firstly, most men lose their virginity in a way and at an age similar to your husband. So, be clear that that is normal. Secondly, watching porn does not make one a pervert. It is important to note whether the pornography involves minors, violence, or group sex. Each of these would bring other underlying issues to the surface. Otherwise, it simply sounds like you are more sexually conservative than your spouse. You can both adapt toward a middle ground. It is extraordinarily common that one spouse introduce the other to something in sexual expression and activity. Do not be close-minded and judgemental. Does your spouse simply watch or masturbate to pornography?
Discuss his sexual thoughts- frequency, description of thoughts, as well as his sexual identity- how he sees himself as a sexual man. Be open to discussion about what he finds fulfilling as he is open to creating new habits. Whenever people do not have insight into why they do certain things, it is useful for them to journal to become more clear. Counseling is an excellent guide thru this process. You are both willing to learn more about yourselves and each other. It sounds like an excellent foundation from which to grow.
I’m 28, my husband is 31 and we haven’t been intimate since September. He is always on his phone. I have talked to him numerous times about feeling neglected. I have even had dreams about cheating but that’s not my character. We have been going in and out of this same cycle the whole 5 years of our marriage. Can the cycle be broken?? What, if anything, can I do?
The cycle can ALWAYS be broken. Women have intuition for a reason! The combination of you feeling neglected and him being distracted over a five-year time period is toxic. You deserve and need more. Time to set some boundaries to prevent resentment and bitterness from developing. Let him know that you will not live this way any longer, and you are willing to do the needed work to get to that place of mutual fulfillment. His response will tell you a lot about his commitment to the marriage.
Men deal better with concrete requests so be specific about your needs. Inquire about his “apparently absent” libido in a way that is empathetic and non-accusatory. Clarify if there is emotional baggage that he is holding onto or any physical changes causing his libido to wane. Get him to tell you specifically what he is (or is not) attracted to in you at present. Be spontaneous in initiating romance that can lead to sexual arousal between you. Give a definite time period over which you both should be putting in the work to effect the change. Once time expires, you will hopefully have a different chemistry together. If not, evaluate whether his effort is matching yours, and go from there.
Tips For A Stronger Marriage
by Afriye Amerson
Little girls play with Barbie dolls and dream of their wedding day. Grown men get down on bended knee, putting pride, ego and testosterone aside, to have a wife by their side ‘til the end of their days. And, no one REALLY wants to start talking about “when the music stops”, the dress is faded, and one (or the other person) begins to get bored, fidgety, aggravated, or just stops “feeling it” anymore. The reality of our community is that it has been overtaken by broken families, whereas our ancestors would risk their lives to keep the family together, we are more apt to risk our lives to keep our steady income.
Its past time to ask ourselves: “Wuz Up?!?” Did our ancestors understand something that we have forgotten?
Let’s examine the foundation of our marriages to get a better foothold on the situation. I will highlight eight aspects of this foundation that can create more than just an infinity “symbol”, but an infinity cymbal ringing throughout a lifetime.
#1 Speak now, or forever hold your PEACE: The threads of a relationship cannot be woven together to create a masterpiece as internal forces work at unraveling it. Marriage is no tug of war, and the dynamic of traction/counter traction is worse than ineffective, it is a dead ringer for exhaustion and surrender. The wedding labels persons as guests of EITHER bride or groom, but the marriage must fortify itself with a non-negotiable policy for friends, family, and children.
That policy is that all persons considered as the “inner circle” are either die hard, down for the marriage or will hold their peace forever. The negative energy, comments, and attitude (when fed to a married person) directly take root (even at the subconscious level) and are drawn out as weapons (against the other married person) at exactly the wrong times.
#2 Guard your words It takes more than sexual technique to keep the flames burning eternally. Nothing erodes at passion & desire more steadily than constant berating, holding grudges, & a lack of respect. Sometimes one person’s feelings can be hurt (while the other is completely unaware), yet “ego” prevents the person from speaking up, while animosity builds. We are often more guarded in how we speak to our coworkers, bosses, church members, & even strangers than we are toward our spouse.
But, the saying “sticks & stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you” is a lie. Words hurt. Words are the expression of the heart, the reflection of the soul, & can be the mantra of love. Honest communication about what IS versus IS NOT “working” in the verbal communication between you is critical on an ongoing basis. Becoming more sensitive to how your spouse is reacting to & feeling about the words you use can be a powerful measure in your overall character growth (because this is the person YOU drew into your innermost circle).
#3 Gift yourself You must consciously choose to regard your spouse as your very own, much desired gift! Therefore, do not allow yourself to regard your spouse (or their needs) as a burden, a chore, or an annoyance. Control your thoughts, & thereby, your attitude because those who know you best can tell the difference. When we fall in love, we cannot get enough of the other person. The brain actually produces chemicals causing an addiction-like reaction! The chemistry is not figurative, it’s literal. If we want to sustain the “high”, we have to give ourselves the privilege of enjoying our gift, even in the midst of the chaos of life.
Married men live longer than bachelors; and, while the exact cause is not a singular thing, surely this fact alone is reason enough to see a wife as a gift. Reciprocally, we hear the phrase “she needs to get some”. The phrase is used toward women regarded as having a negative/miserable/bitchy disposition. A wife, therefore, should regard her {piece on the shelf/} husband as a gift. Both parties have access to a resource more precious than jewels. It is all about perspective. Choose to put on the “glasses” that prosper forward the love.
#4 Develop multiple personalities One of the biggest obstacles to keeping the flames burning which even newlyweds face is the birth of a child. What a joy! What a killjoy! All at once… Women are not properly advised in advance that it really is difficult to be both G-rated AND R-rated (although men have no problem with this one). The sex life, sexuality, & true intimacy can die when the baby monitor is next to the marital bed. It doesn’t get better when the toddler sleeps with Mommy, or when the kids barge into the bedroom freely.
Creating a family means we aspire to become loving parents, but if you are not cultivating the art of multiple personalities as you go, then you are effectively creating a broken family. We all knew as teenagers how to be one person in front of our parents, yet quite a different person with our peer circle. So, in this case, the wisdom is in youth. Like Maya Angelou’s poem “Phenomenal Woman”, the Divine you encompasses multidimensional aspects (all of which are genuinely YOU). Remember to give yourself permission to make time for & express the many dimensions of you. Learn to transform yourself effortlessly as your life expands & become your spouse’s very own Superhero.
#5 Be vulnerable I could expand chapters on this one! Oppressed people have endured so much to survive, that we are never given credit for or permission to be vulnerable. Yet, Iyanla Vanzant says, “It is good to be vulnerable because when you are vulnerable, you are innocent. Innocence is our gift from God.” It is not a marriage if it is not intimate (at the deepest levels of human capacity). You may have grown up in a household without this expression, and thus entered marriage without ever truly witnessing it or experiencing it with another.
But, your marriage is contingent upon its cultivation. Put down your guards & exterior shells, and reveal your true self, with its flaws/ deficiencies/ and weaknesses to your mate. If this takes you outside of your “comfort zone”, then seek counseling. If you are not truly SAFE within your own marriage, you have already taken steps in character towards hypocrisy and have limited your own God-given potential to grow.
#6 Create & design your image It matters! A naïve person may find this superficial, but psychologists know that just as each individual has a self-image which dictates both how the person feels internally as well as how they portray themselves externally; image is equally important to any identifiable group. Think of any and every couple demonstrating endurance & sustainability of the relationship (Will & Jada, Barack & Michelle, Ossie Davis & Ruby Dee), & you will find that you can describe that couple’s “image”.
It is the mirror reflection of not only what the world sees, but more importantly, that which reflects back to you the substance of your relationship. It is also the Teflon against the mate becoming bored, fidgety, or distracted with others. The “newness” we naturally seek in life can be incorporated into revising, updating, and expanding the “couple image”. The more you ROCK THIS, the more you will find fulfillment, pride, and protectiveness of your marriage “of steel”.
#7 Tend your relationship like you tend a garden I never forgot these words, spoken by Suzanne dePasse! You must plant seeds routinely. Pull out the weeds. Cultivate the flowers. Neglect directly results in withering (not after months, but DAYS). Evaluate the ratio between what you bring to the relationship versus what you take from it. Monitor for plateaus, and address them promptly. The planting of seeds in your marriage should progress towards a harvest season, and then the process begins again. For the marital flames to burn brightly & fiercely, you must be dutiful and consistent.
#8 It’s your thang, do what you wanna do Supposedly, marriage is the final frontier (when it comes to intimate partnering). So, why in the hell would you hold back? You should be free at last in your sexual expression and gratification. Take the opportunity to be your mate’s best lover ever. Again, here, upbringing & how we have seen affection expressed throughout our childhoods will affect how we approach this. What is natural is that your “do’s”, “don’ts”, & “favorites” should be evolving over time.
So, if you are “boxed in” to a routine, it IS boring and you should seek counseling before you find a third party in your bedroom. Aging, menopause, illness, & impotence are simply reasons to use the power of your creativity to continue to connect intimately and sexually. Healthy marriages can engage in watching porn together, sexting one another by phone, Kama Sutra & other innovative techniques, shopping at sex stores together, having a private/highly erotic photo session (especially for couples that travel), masturbation, and writing one another sexually explicit love notes about what you want to do & how you want to do it.
Arouse one another until you die. This aspect of marriage is a cornerstone. Your single friends should NOT be “getting it in” more so than you! While your sex life should remain sacred (do not discuss it with friends, family or any non professionals… for your own sake; this often backfires), you will be bombarded with the stories of others. Make sure your story is always better.
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