Dick Gregory is a comedian, author, health activist and conspiracy theorist, who helped Black comics attain mainstream acceptance. He was the first Black comic to not just appear on The Tonight Show, but to sit on its famed couch. He was the subject of a TV One Unsung Hollywood documentary as well. These days, Gregory, who was instrumental in the struggle for civil rights and worked with several leaders in the 60’s, doesn’t have just jokes – he has conspiracy theories. If you’re in Chicago this weekend, you can see him and Paul Mooney onstage together at The Castle on Sunday night. If not, check out just a little of what Gregory thinks about missing planes and more. (As always, Mr. Gregory speaks for himself, not the Tom Joyner Morning Show or Reach Media, Inc.)

On the Ft. Hood shootings: “I need you to do me a favor and get the people at the Family Reunion to help me with a petition to the Joint Chiefs of Staff to change the name of Ft. Hood. It’s giving the hood a bad name. (Editor’s note: Too soon, Dick, too soon.)

On airlines overall: You can’t trust the airlines. I lost my bag 2 weeks ago and I asked to see the supervisor and I went to see him and he’s standing there in my outfit , (Ba-doom bap.)

On what to do in case of a plane crash if you want to be found: If any of you black folks are on a plane that goes down, don’t follow them, kick down that door that holds the black box and when they find it, they’ll find something Black alright.

On the disappearance of MH370: Here’s a plane damn near two blocks long – how can you lose that? They can tap your phone anywhere in the world and they can’t find that? I remember in 1967 I was on the Jack Parr show and I said “Man, the government is tapping my phone’ and he went out of his mind. ‘You accuse the United States government tapping your phone?’ I said ‘Anytime a Black man can owe [the telephone company] $66,000 and they don’t turn the phone off, it’s tapped.’

On the conspiracy theory behind MH370: There were 20 top scientists on that plane. Now I know that but the NY Times don’t know that. The scientists had applied for a patent for some kind of evil stuff they were doing. Some kind of germ warfare. Them patents are worth about 200 billion. They worked at Texas Instruments. Now let me tell you the important thing – the patent hadnt’ been approved. The patent was approved three days after the plane was missing. Let me tell you how the law works – if four of us apply for a patent, I will get that money. The first person in the party was the Carlyle Group. That’s what I’m talking about. They can’t find the plane but they can find me in the hood and search me.

Click here for more details on the conspiracy theory Gregory references above. 

On who can find the plane: What they need to do is get the Nation of Islam to find it. I went to the mosque one time, they found something in my pocket I’ve been looking for for six months.

On why the media hasn’t focused on the scientists: I can’t speak for white people. I can speak for my brain. A plane can’t disappear with all the technology we have all over the world. There’s people that have been talking about the scientists. They’ve been talking about the janitors that cleaned the plane and you’re not going to talk about the scientists.

On Malaysia itself: It happened before. There are planes that have been missing that they never talk about. Malaysia is one of the filthiest places on the planet. It makes Las Vegas look like a picnic for nuns. There are rich, freaky, crazy men that order up 6-year-old girls and 3-year-old girls that are waiting for them in the hotel when they get there. How come nobody has told anyone what goes on there?

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