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Dear Deya Direct:

Hello. I am 30 years old, single with no children and have NO idea of where life is taking me. I feel like I am living in a box with few choices to make.

I am in no rush to get married or have children and have no desire to do so right now. My relationship with God is very important to me and I have really worked hard to strengthen my relationship with Him. It has really made me feel so much better spiritually, but I still find myself in a lackluster life and my job (although I am very blessed to be working full-time in this economy) is a dead-end job. Having few “real” friends and a small group of family members I connect with, although I come from a large family, it makes me feel a bit lonely and useless.

I had so many friends in high school and college and now I feel like I am really not loved or needed. I’ve tried reaching out to them, but most are married, have children or both and are too busy to deal with a single girl with no real responsibilities, like myself.  I just don’t know what to do with myself or what direction I should go into. Any advice for a lost soul?

Thank you,

Lost Soul

Dear Soul:

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. First, I will NOT refer to you as a “lost soul”, especially because you say that God is in your life, so you should be found, right?

There is a scripture that says, “As a man (woman) thinketh in his heart, so is he…” (Proverbs 23:7).  In other words, what you think and say about yourself or anything else, may not be factually true, but because you give it energy in your heart and mind, you are giving it power, power to grow and power to manifest.

•    Deya Directive 1:  Change your mind. Stop giving power and energy to the things that you do not want in your life. Purposely spend time thinking about what makes you feel good. The more you think on it, the better you will feel.  The better you feel, the more you will start to enjoy your life.

As I reread your letter, you basically cited your circumstances as the following: single on purpose, spiritual, employed, and emotionally connected with a small group of family and friends. The only challenge that I see is that you are not satisfied with your job. Perhaps you have not discovered your purpose, something you’re passionate about and that’s what’s frustrating you.

•    Deya Directive 2: Interview Yourself. Ask yourself the following:  What would I do for free simply because I enjoy it so much? What is it that I’m really good at? Why do I like it and why am I not doing more of it? Answer those questions and then cross out every excuse. Instead, write down how you can creatively and strategically do more of it. If time is your issue, take some time on your lunch break to do it at your “dead-end” job. Or for that matter, get up earlier and do it. That way you’ve already done something for yourself that you really enjoy before you leave home and begin a hectic day.

To your other point, if you have a few friends and family that you connect with, I’m wondering, how many do you think that you need?

•    Deya Directive 3: Be Grateful.Trust me, more people do not mean better people. Cultivate the love and friendship that you have, starting with self-love. In my book, “Touch Yourself, 30 Ways to Boldly Live, Love and Let Go!” (, I have a chapter titled:  Be the Love of Your Life. The point is,when you learn to love yourself, you teach others how to love you back.

That is the same sentiment that the legendary actress Pam Grier expressed when I interviewed her. When describing her past relationships with one of the greatest comedians of all time, Richard Pryor, and Hall of Fame NBA player, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, she finally came to this conclusion; “You have to love yourself more, and then others will love you for it.”

Finally, commit to finding out what it is that you want.  Explore and discover the truth about what works for you. Write it down, do it and then do it more. My friend, I would submit that you are not lost; you are simply on a journey. Instead of judging it, start enjoying the process of your journey!

Deya “Direct” Smith is a lead producer on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and host of Girlfriend FM & Beyond the Studio celebrity interviews. She is also the best-selling author of “Touch Yourself, 30 Ways to Live, Love and Let Go!” (  Deya is a life-changing coach, writer and speaker. If you have a question about life, love or relationships email

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