Russ Parr Horrorscopes

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It’s time for another reading of the “Daily Horrorscope,” where Alfredas keeps it real by telling every astrological sign the harsh truth about themselves for today’s date of May 16th, 2022.

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Read The Cliff Notes Below!

Aries: Why are you always fighting over a man that you don’t even want?

Taurus: You are wrong for stealing memes from other people and sending them out. 

Gemini: You work in retail. And you want to stop the steal. Watch the little old ladies okay, because they’re the ones robbing you.

Cancer: Why is your grandma always wearing your panties and then daring you to say something about it?

Leo: You keep getting caught cheating and you can’t understand why. Why don’t you start with changing that password you haven’t changed in 15 years. And it’s the last for your social security number or your birthday.

Virgo: Why does your girl always want to find attractive people?

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Libra: If you spell like Herschel Walker talks, that’s not a good thing. 

Scorpio: Yeah, deodorant. Just don’t it just doesn’t work for you.

Sagittarius: Why do your African neighbors speak eight different language languages and you have the nerve to call him stupid. 

Capricorn: It is not romantic telling your new girl that you’re going to make her dinner. And then when she gets there, she can clearly see that you made her a Nutrisystem meal.

Aquarius: Your new date’s car smells like weed. Ignore all those excuses.

Pieces: Pisces. Was it necessary to inform your husband’s girlfriend that he’s cheating on y’all?

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