Sarah Jakes Roberts released her new book, Don’t Settle for Safe: Embracing the Uncomfortable to Become Unstoppable earlier this week.
In the release, the daughter of Bishop T.D. Jakes and church leader in her own right shows readers how to move beyond past mistakes by discussing her own trials and tribulations.
Check out an excerpt below from the “Intimacy” chapter in her book and click here for the EUR’s Exclusive! Q&A with Roberts.
“Boys Versus Men”
If you find yourself repeatedly falling for boys pretending to be men, you must ask yourself what the little girl inside of you is crying out for and hoping to receive in return from them. Relationships that we choose reflect the relationship we have with ourselves. If you’re constantly disappointed with the dynamics of your romantic life, then you are replicating a disappointment you experienced that changed your ability to expect and receive pure love.
You must be willing to ask yourself when and why you changed. My unwillingness to receive the commitment of loyalty and faithfulness from the man I’d married was not just because I didn’t want to consider it. It was because a part of me was unsure that that kind of promise could be kept.
It dawned on me that fidelity, like most of the character traits people value, in an individual being faithful, or unfaithful for that matter, is intentional. It’s a decision that someone makes because of who they are and what they feel about the person they’re with. People who have been hurt cheat other people out of the sense of security that stabilizes a relationship.
My imperfect husband was creating a goal for himself in our marriage and I was requesting that he lower the bar or not mention it at all. I wanted to make the same vow, but I was afraid that I would be incapable of keeping it. There were countless things I said I would never do that I ended up doing anyway.
Incidentally, I was not sure that I could trust myself to be the type of person I wanted to give my love to. It would have been so easy for me to justify my inability to fully say those words in return based on how imperfect people are, but I believe that I received a revelation that altered my perspective on intimate relationships.
Humanity certainly plays a role in relationships, but we have access to a higher power. That role does not have to be stronger than the strength of our divinity. A person being human is not a license for them to anticipate the possibilities of hurt being a not-too-distant reality.
You should have a love that causes you to increase your character and overcome your fears. There’s a scripture in 1 John that says, “Perfect love casts out fear” (4:18). The only way our love reaches perfection is through handing our heart over to God and asking Him to show us our fears. Don’t give another person permission to hold your heart unless you know their hands belong to God.
When your partner’s heart and hands belong to God, they won’t just hold your heart; they will also cast out the fears that have made their home in your heart. Loving someone with all of your heart is a popular quote, but very few people actually achieve this level of intimacy. Loving someone with all of your heart means trusting him or her with your brokenness too.
It requires that you trust them with your dreams and mistakes, your vulnerabilities and strengths, your smiles and tears. True love produces worship—not of the other person, but of God for bringing that person into your life. This is not about finding a hero who will save you from all of the failed relationships of your past.
This is about finding your strength to soar and having an encounter with another soul determined to feel the wind blowing in their face as they climb to new heights. This experience will be like nothing you’ve ever felt before and everything you’ve ever needed to have in your life.