In our new feature on the BlackAmericaweb.com stream called Girlfriend FM, we’ve begun with our first series: More money, more men and more of you!
Last week, we responded to the question of how to get more money and if you missed, it you can read it in the blog archives.
In most girlfriend circles, our favorite past time is to talking about men; where they are, why they act the way they do, how they get on our last nerve and just how much we love them.
But the challenge for black women who consider themselves a good catch – single, attractive, professional, spiritual and well-balanced – is finding their equivalent in a black man. Where is the brotha for us? Does he even want or value a good black woman? Is he willing to love us the way we desire?
I decided to go straight to the source. I interviewed brothas about all of the questions we have, and the first one we started with was how can sistas meet more men? Check out what the brothas had to say (click here!).
You can love or hate what’s said, but if you really want to know how a man feels and thinks, then you’d better be prepared for their answer. And before you get all high and mighty on me about the scripture that says “a good man finds a wife” and not the other way around, guess what? I agree. But here we’re discussing meeting a man, not marrying him. Let’s not put the cart before the horse as we often do; let’s just deal with some basics, like meeting a potential friend.
Here are some Deya Direct tips on finding more men:
Go out alone. Ladies, I know we like to hang out together, talking, laughing, drinking, etc., but when we do that, our time and attention are already occupied. Some men are intimidated by the girlfriend groups, and they may assume we’re not interested in meeting anyone. They don’t want to get to know your group; they want to meet you without the pressure of all of us interrogating him. I’m the queen girlfriend interrogator, so I know we do that! On the flip side, almost every time the friends I know go out alone, they get approached by a man, if not several. There’s also something very confident and sexy about a woman who walks into a room alone, plus she gets to command all of the attention. You get it?
Approach the guy. Okay, as confident as I am, it’s just not my style to approach a man first; I’m actually shy about that kind of thing. But if you’re tired of being alone and want different results, then try something different. Truthfully, I don’t want to be rejected either. But rejection is exactly what men encounter from us on a daily basis. And like the brothas I interviewed, men seem to appreciate it when a lady shows some initiative. Now, if you’re anything like me, and you don’t want to walk up to a man, just remember there’s more than one way to skin a cat. I’ve found that a smile and eye contact is all it takes for a man to feel it’s cool to come over and say hello.
Date outside of your race. As much as we love them, the black man is not the end-all-be-all. A good man is a good man. This may sound like a cliché, but open yourself up to stepping outside of your comfort zone. Love the one who loves you. Besides, I’m not hating, but let’s face it, black men aren’t half as loyal to us as we are to them. Hello?
Finally, create a space for what you want. I’m in a new city, so I don’t know many people here in Dallas. But when it was time for my birthday party, my friends and I wanted to create an atmosphere of fun and fellowship. Not only did we invite the people we knew, but we asked them to invite their friends as well. The end result, to our surprise, was that 70 percent of my guests were men. We actually changed the men vs. woman dynamic, and I became my girlfriends hero that weekend.
The lesson? Stop complaining about not meeting more men, and create the atmosphere for what you say you want. It’s your life, and you really can have what you say you want. But guess what? You’re not going to get it by complaining on the phone with your girlfriend or sitting on your couch watching “Real Housewives of Atlanta.” Girlfriends, that’s a principle beyond getting a man; it’s really about getting out there and pursuing the life you say you want.
Deya “Direct” Smith is a producer for “The Tom Joyner Morning Show.” Please send your story or topic of interest to Deyadirect@aol.com, or call 1-800-JOYNER2 to leave your comment on the voicemail.