How To Talk To Your Kids About Difficult Things

With so many negative things going on in the world broadcast in real-time on traditional and social media, how do you talk to your kids about them? That’s where Dr. Dawn Brown comes in. She’s the double-board certified child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist.

Brown is the CEO and sole practitioner at ADHD wellness center and has two private practice locations in texas. She is also the psychiatrist for 3 clinics in Texas and Illinois. Brown is a proud graduate of Xavier University of Louisiana, Saint Louis University School of Medicine and Baylor College of Medicine.

HOW DO YOU START TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT TRAGEDY?

First, I recommend processing your own feelings and emotional response about the incident. Next, decide on what you want your child to understand about the incident and determine the take away message(s).

Then, use open-ended questions to obtain information about what your child has seen/heard; this should be done before you can answer their questions.

Try to keep complex stories simple and make sure your story is in line with your beliefs (teaching them morals and values of humanity, morally right vs. wrong behaviors, etc.)

For all age groups, focus on the positives (positive imagery, heroes of the story, etc.) and with teens, limit the focus on the traumatic news; redirect the focus on them and how they are feeling about the news.

WHAT CAN YOU SAY WITHOUT GIVING THEM NIGHTMARES OR MAKING THEM EVEN MORE AFRAID?

Ask them directly what they are afraid of and use concrete (simple) language to address their feelings to understand their perspective. Some impressionable minds can misinterpret what they see or hear, so address these perceptions quickly and with direct communication.

Example: “I understand you are afraid, so let’s talk about what you saw or how you feel.”

Reassure their safety by directly stating it.

Examples:

“You are safe with me and where we live. I am down the hall if you need me.”

“You are safe with discussing your feelings with me. If I understand how you feel, I will be able to help you with managing your feelings.”

AT WHAT AGE SHOULD YOU START TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT DISTURBING TOPICS?

There are different theories of thought behind this question. Some organizations of authority (American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics) recommend not discussing these topics with children until age 8, however it really depends on the child.

For example, if it does not directly affect your child, parents may choose not to discuss it.
Others may choose to discuss it once the child asks questions or the child is exposed to the information.
If you decide to talk to your children, regardless of their age, it is important to make sure your child feels safe. Be prepared for their possible “different” views, emotional responses and decision-making, especially considering the powerful influences of their friends, social media and TV exposure.

HOW DO YOU HELP YOUR CHILD TO OPEN UP ABOUT A TRAGEDY?

Start simple-use concrete words.
Begin with open-ended questions
Offer frequent encouragement and positive feedback in response to their perspective.
Be patient and listen.
Be understanding of their volatile emotions and mood reactions to what they see/hear from their friends, media, etc.
Use less-intimidating resources by having conversations while performing a task/hobby they enjoy i.e. have the conversation while you both work on completing a puzzle together.

HOW DO YOU REASSURE THEM EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY?

By assuring them that they are safe and providing them with examples of those safety measures.
Establishing who they should trust and who you trust will help them if they are ever in danger.
Teaching them the “majority rule”- it is natural for the majority of our society to be of “good nature.” Therefore, make sure you draw distinction by using words like “majority, most, few, etc.” and simplify the conversation by giving examples of when/where it is the exception.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE DO’S AND DON’T WHEN DISCUSSING THEIR CONCERNS?

Make sure that whenever your child has a question, you have an immediate discussion. You should NOT avoid or allow complex questions to “linger.”
There are several biases that can affect your and your child’s perceptions. Don’t allow for their impressionable minds to begin to misinterpret what they see or hear. Distinguish good behavior from bad behaviors and explain to them that under no circumstance is a violence response OK.
Discussing tragedies should be communicated differently, as they are understood differently considering your child’s age, experience/history with trauma and emotions/temperament.
Help ease the tendencies for children under 8 by stressing what they learn/understand about these events rather than how the final reaction looks.
Take advantage of their eagerness to learn/understand the significance of what is occurring by asking open-ended and thought-provoking questions (for teenagers). Provide opportunities for independent decision-making and give feedback.

Dr. Brown answers your ‘Text Tom’ questions on the next page:

A 9-year-old girl hung herself over bullying in Birmingham AL. How do you recognize the signs and what do you say?

Suicide is a difficult subject for parents to talk about, yet even think about And although suicide is rare between the ages 10 and 14, it is still the second leading cause of death for this age group. Research has found that 40 percent of children who have attempted suicide have done so at least once before high school, making suicide an important issue to address at these younger ages.

There is very little research on why this is happening, and more research is needed, both to understand the increase in suicide rate, particularly in black children (36.8%-double the rate versus 25 years ago), and to determine whether and how suicide prevention efforts should be tailored to pre-teens.

Developmentally, children may have difficulties processing trauma and the emotions that result from it. They are naturally impulsive human beings and their emotions can be difficult to control.

Therefore, they unintentionally, may respond impulsively, without thinking through their thoughts and fully understanding the potential consequences of their actions. Equally important to consider is their lack of knowledge and/or understanding of what it means to be suicidal.

Recognizing the signs/symptoms that a child may be suicidal can be challenging. The obvious typical warning signs may not have fully emerged and therefore, have not diagnosed. Children are not necessarily at the developmental age where they are likely to vocalize their feelings of helplessness, use substances or engage in self-harming behaviors, however, if parents and teachers notice a child’s CHANGE IN BEHAVIORS, this can be a red flag that often leads to mental health deterioration and places a child at risk.

Be on the lookout for CHANGES IN BEHAVIOR regarding their:

1) Sleep patterns – sleeping longer or shorter durations, experiencing more frequent nightmares, sleep disturbances (difficulties with going and/or staying asleep), no longer wanting to sleep alone.

2) Appetite – poor appetite or overeating that is becoming consistent

3) Physical complaints- pain (i.e. headaches, stomachaches) and unable to identify what is really bothering them.

4) Emotional concerns – undue sadness, anxiety/worry, depression, fear, grief, anger outbursts

5) Changes in behavior- regressive signs (sucking thumb, clingy towards parent), less social, less patient, drugs, tobacco, and alcohol use, resist authority.

These reactions are natural and therefore, typically occur. However, if they are persistent or worsen for more than 2-4 weeks, and affect your child’s functioning, I strongly urge you to seek the help of a mental health professional. It is likely that your child may need additional help and better ways to cope.

When discussing suicide with your child, process your own emotions about the topic, decide on what you want your child to understand about the topic, use simple and direct wording (concrete), and ask open-ended questions (i.e. “Tell me more about how you feel,”) to ensure you answer their questions. Ensure them that they are “safe” to discuss their emotions with you. It is better to err on the side of caution if you believe or know your child is suicidal and seek professional help right away.

I have a daughter who at 17 is cutting herself. I want her to talk but she won’t talk to me and I don’t know how to get her to see someone.

I can imagine this being difficult and frustrating for you as a parent. In matters such as dealing with a teen (or child) who is intentionally self-harming (cutting or scratching the skin with objects that cause bleeding) and resistant to talk, it’s natural to be afraid, worried or even angry.

But it’s extremely important to avoid being judgmental toward her. Comments like “How could you harm yourself?” or “This must stop right now” are the last things you want to say when beginning a discussion about cutting.

Instead, it’s important to understand that your child is in pain. You don’t want to make her feel worse by making her feel ashamed. Tell her you’re there to listen and to get her help. Chances are she wants to stop and doesn’t know how.

Breaking the cycle of self-harm is not easy. Treatment can be an emotionally challenging time for your teenager while she’s going through it. It will help her if you let her know that you are there for her and provide her with empathy, understanding and unconditional love and acceptance.

I know a 12-year-old boy whose father had visitation privileges every other weekend but has not come to pick him up for visits for the past year and a half. I’m concerned about how this is impacting him. The father just stopped coming. He doesn’t pay child support either. How can you make sure the boy is OK?

When a parent is not involved in a child’s life, regardless of the reason, it is a loss. A loss for that child and those who love her/him. Society conditions us to know our biological parents. We innately yearn to know them so that we can better understand ourselves (we are half our fathers and half our mothers.)

And although we may resemble some of their physical and emotional characteristics and personality traits, we are still our “own person.” When a parent decides not to have a relationship with their child, the child often experiences this loss as pain, especially if his grief is ignored or belittled, creating shame.

1) As a parent, it is important to understand that before you can help your child, you must address your own loss and grief.

2) Acknowledge this as a “loss” and ensure them that it is not their fault. Encourage them to express their feelings/emotions, even if they cry or scream. It is important that they feel safe and comfortable of being able to outwardly express themselves while you are there to support and love them.

3) Then, recognize that his father is human. When a parent abandons a child, that parent is deeply wounded. There is a reason they cannot fulfill their parental responsibilities. They do not recognize they are worthy of being needed, or can bring value to another person’s life.

4) Recognizing this is part of the process of forgiveness. It involves empathy and grace. This will likely take time for them to accept. Continue to support their journey.

5) Talk to him. Say: “I’ve been thinking a lot about your dad. I imagine you do, too. How do you feel about the fact you don’t know him?”

6) Ask him how he feels when he visits friends who live with their dads

7) Have multiple conversations. Get into the habit of talking about him and their feelings/reactions.

8) Ensure that he is safe to discuss how he feels with you.

My oldest cries about this all the time. I’m trying to tell her she has to start loving and liking herself first, but she is not listening to me, because she thinks I’m just saying this as a mother. What can I do?

How can I convince my 22-year-old-daughter to love herself, when she sees she has no friends, no boyfriend, and she wants someone to love her besides her family. She wants someone to be there for her, especially when she sees her younger sister with best friends, good friends, and a boyfriend. My oldest cries about this all the time. I’m trying to tell her she has to start loving and liking herself first, but she is not listening to me, because she thinks I’m just saying this as a mother. What can I do?

Your daughter may be experiencing symptoms of depression. The signs of having no friends, crying spells, the possible interference of not having an intimate relationship, feeling like no one loves her, are common signs of depression. If this is the case, individuals often feel “unloved and empty,” which can unintentionally, lead them to isolate themselves; it can create symptoms of low self-esteem, sadness, mood changes, and other worsening symptoms that interfere with their optimal functioning.

It can be difficult for a person who is depressed to accept that others love them or for them to love themselves when internally, they don’t feel these feelings due to being depressed. It is a good sign that your daughter desires intimate and casual relationships because this increases the likelihood of her wanting help to understand why these are concerns of hers and not currently happening for her. I highly recommend that she seeks a mental health professional to explore her interests further, allowing the professional to screen for underlying mental health disorders like depression and recommend a treatment plan to address these issues.

To stay in touch with Dawn Brown, MD (aka: Dr. Dawn Psych MD), go to DrDawnpsychmd.com. I offer online consultations and I look forward to meeting you and discussing how I can help prepare your next steps on your journey to live optimally.

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