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For strong, independent women today, being “soft” is seen as a negative characteristic. But from my experience in my career and love life, nothing can be farther from the truth. Regardless of how many times my heart has been broken, somehow it remains resilient and I am still excited about life. I am pumped about fulfilling my purpose. I am a hopeless romantic and yearn to give and receive love on a high and deep level. Somehow, I’ve decided that what I want is better than what scares me—being hurt, disappointed, taken advantage of, or taken for granted. Can you relate to any of those fears?

You see, I’ve figured out that whatever I give my energy to, wins. Even more, I’ve seen the difference in results when I focus my energy on what I want versus what I do not want. I don’t want the negativity to win. Do you? We don’t have to let fear, impatience, and ego get in the way, imagine what life would look like if you were more gentle with yourself and others.

It starts with the softening of the heart and being open to the possibilities of life and yourself. You cannot be hopeful and open with a hard heart because they work against each other. When energies work against each other, it creates friction and stress. If it’s peace that you want, then stop creating friction and holding your breath in order to wear the overrated badge of being independent and strong. You’re already resilient, and where you are weak God is strong. There is nothing to prove and everything to gain.

This idea is explained perfectly by the singer Kelly Rowland. In a recent interview on the Tom Joyner Morning Show, she explains how “real power is silent”.

Kelly knows that sometimes, being silent can get you closer to where you want to go. She completely gets it. She knows where her power is!

Here are 5 key ways that Soft is Boss:

Soft is the Boss because real power begins with what you understand and how you think, knowing the power that you possess. As Maya Angelou said, “A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself.”

Softness represents an inner confidence and exuberance that attracts. It draws people to you without always having to force or unnecessarily overexert yourself to command attention and respect. You cannot force others to give you what you want, but by making a slight shift in how you appropriate your energy, you will tap into the power that we all have—feminine energy.

Soft is Boss because soft power is the ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events. Being equipped with an understanding of what you possess, how it affects change and appeals to someone puts you in a powerful position. As a mother, you have complete power over your child’s every need. In relationships, personal or professional, you are as powerful as your ability to meet the needs, interests and desires of others.

Soft is Boss because it preserves your pretty inside and out – your looks, your energy and your spirit. Think of it this way: stress kills, it’s that simple. And being too hard may protect you on one front. But on the other side that, hardness can become brittle and break. Sure, it keeps things out, but it also does not allow what you may want or need most inside. Being hard all of the time requires a lot of energy and can be emotionally exhausting.

Soft is Boss because it keeps you open enough to win in life and in love. Being soft does not diminish your ability to be strong, smart, or discerning. Soft doesn’t mean that you’re weak, allowing any and everything into your space, nor does it mean that you are a pushover. Instead, it is the atmosphere that you create. The atmosphere is strong, but still pliable enough to give and receive the best that life has to offer.

Known as the ‘Man Whisperer’, Best Selling Author, Producer and Relationship Expert Deya “Direct” Smith writes and produces commentary for your heart, mind and soul. She is also a lead producer for the Tom Joyner Morning Show, a motivational speaker, actress and social commentator. She can be reached directly at .

Her new book Soft is the New Power: Embracing Your Feminine Edge to Win in Love & Life is available for sale now at