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I started teaching erotic dance for women because I saw the impact that it had on my own life. I had a safe space to let my guard down and let loose for a few hours. When I was going through stress or pain of any kind, my erotic dance practice became my safe haven. I would come into the space, turn on the music and immediately my defenses would begin to ease off of my muscles. With each pull of the music I could feel my mind, body and spirit getting realigned with joy all over again.

So often when we have a painful experience in our lives loved ones will tell us one of two things: ‘let it go’ or ‘it takes time’. That was probably one of the hardest things for me when going through a heartbreak in my life. How do I just immediately forget about someone who I’ve spent so much of my time and energy with? And also, why would I keep punishing myself by replaying the bad times?

Both ideas just overwhelmed me with anxiety and confusion. A part of me knew that life was suppose to be more than constant drama, confusion and disappointment. Yet, when I had a situation in my life of serious conflict no matter how much I tried to embody my loved one’s advice to me I just felt myself becoming increasingly miserable each day.

What if you don’t just have to put up with the pain until it leaves? What if dismissing it altogether isn’t the best answer either? What I’ve found is that these two pieces of advice only scratch the surface of a larger healing practice. When we experience a painful situation there are a few things that we need to remember in the process.  These are tools that I use in my daily spiritual practice and if you put them to practice I know you will see a shift in your experiences as well.

Remind yourself of who you are.

When we experience a painful situation and our energy is really low or if we are filled to the max with stress, we are likely to start using the disappointment of the heartbreak to define who we are as women. Suddenly, our relationship status morphs into the thing that defines whether we are worthy of goodness in life. What we have to remind ourselves of in the midst of the pain is that this situation does not define us. The heartbreak does not have power over us. The mistakes we made do not diminish our light. The way the other person may have acted is not a reflection of how valuable we are in life. This obstacle does not in any way diminish the brightness of our future.  It may be tricky to discipline yourself in the moment to remember these things, but the more you do it the less you will feel yourself sinking and/or losing hope that you will never have the relationship that you desire.

Commit to shifting your focus.

Relationships are about growth. No  matter what beautiful picture anyone paints about their relationship, everyone has hit a bump or two and everyone comes into a relationship to expand. If we aren’t coming into a relationship to expand, we get stagnant. You’re dealing with a completely separate human being with their own feelings, desires, struggles and stories combined with your own. It has plenty of beautiful moments but there will also be some growing pains at time. If a relationship ends, find ways to remind yourself that even the breakup is  a sign of growth on both of your parts. The breakup is a signal that you are growing closer to the direction of your desire and releasing the relationship in this particular manifestation is the next step in the sojourn. Instead of consistently focusing on why it went wrong and why they said this or why you responded like that or why you all couldn’t make it work, allow yourself to rest a bit. Be more gentle with yourself and allow your mind to mull over the idea that this breakup will lead to you stepping into the next level in your life.

Pleasure + Pleasure + More Pleasure

Reclaiming Your Sexy After The Heartbreak was originally published on

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