Reclaiming Your Sexy After Heartbreak

I started teaching erotic dance for women because I saw the impact that it had on my own life. I had a safe space to let my guard down and let loose for a few hours. When I was going through stress or pain of any kind, my erotic dance practice became my safe haven. I would come into the space, turn on the music and immediately my defenses would begin to ease off of my muscles. With each pull of the music I could feel my mind, body and spirit getting realigned with joy all over again.

So often when we have a painful experience in our lives loved ones will tell us one of two things: ‘let it go’ or ‘it takes time’. That was probably one of the hardest things for me when going through a heartbreak in my life. How do I just immediately forget about someone who I’ve spent so much of my time and energy with? And also, why would I keep punishing myself by replaying the bad times?

Both ideas just overwhelmed me with anxiety and confusion. A part of me knew that life was suppose to be more than constant drama, confusion and disappointment. Yet, when I had a situation in my life of serious conflict no matter how much I tried to embody my loved one’s advice to me I just felt myself becoming increasingly miserable each day.

What if you don’t just have to put up with the pain until it leaves? What if dismissing it altogether isn’t the best answer either? What I’ve found is that these two pieces of advice only scratch the surface of a larger healing practice. When we experience a painful situation there are a few things that we need to remember in the process. These are tools that I use in my daily spiritual practice and if you put them to practice I know you will see a shift in your experiences as well.

Remind yourself of who you are.

When we experience a painful situation and our energy is really low or if we are filled to the max with stress, we are likely to start using the disappointment of the heartbreak to define who we are as women. Suddenly, our relationship status morphs into the thing that defines whether we are worthy of goodness in life. What we have to remind ourselves of in the midst of the pain is that this situation does not define us. The heartbreak does not have power over us. The mistakes we made do not diminish our light. The way the other person may have acted is not a reflection of how valuable we are in life. This obstacle does not in any way diminish the brightness of our future. It may be tricky to discipline yourself in the moment to remember these things, but the more you do it the less you will feel yourself sinking and/or losing hope that you will never have the relationship that you desire.

Commit to shifting your focus.

Relationships are about growth. No matter what beautiful picture anyone paints about their relationship, everyone has hit a bump or two and everyone comes into a relationship to expand. If we aren’t coming into a relationship to expand, we get stagnant. You’re dealing with a completely separate human being with their own feelings, desires, struggles and stories combined with your own. It has plenty of beautiful moments but there will also be some growing pains at time. If a relationship ends, find ways to remind yourself that even the breakup is a sign of growth on both of your parts. The breakup is a signal that you are growing closer to the direction of your desire and releasing the relationship in this particular manifestation is the next step in the sojourn. Instead of consistently focusing on why it went wrong and why they said this or why you responded like that or why you all couldn’t make it work, allow yourself to rest a bit. Be more gentle with yourself and allow your mind to mull over the idea that this breakup will lead to you stepping into the next level in your life.

Pleasure + Pleasure + More Pleasure

Often when we are going through difficult situations we spend so much time focusing on the painful details that we deprive ourselves of anything that actually feels good. Naturally, focusing on all of the painful pieces takes our energy down into the dumps. Train yourself that when things get really intense you’ll make your mantra ‘more pleasure. more pleasure. more pleasure’. What are some things that make you feel good? Do you love going dancing? What about hanging with good friends? Devouring a good book? Baking? Going to the beach? Self- pleasure? Make a list of the things that you truly enjoy and make sure that you are doing something on that list everyday.

Let it all out. Stop Hanging On.

Your stories matter. The things that have shaped you into the person that you are today matter. Get a journal or maybe even video record yourself on your phone just talking through the experiences that you have had. This is just for you. If you can get it on paper or on camera you can get it out of the body. Dedicate 10-15 minutes just for this practice and watch how pouring your heart out will make a huge shift. Not just in your private time do I want you to let it out, but in real life I want you to do this as well . We have a habit for saying ‘I’m fine’ when we are really falling apart. You may not feel comfortable telling everyone what’s going with you but try practicing when people ask you how you’re feeling or doing today telling the truth. Instead of “I’m fine” perhaps, “Hey. I’m feeling a bit tense today. Thank you for asking.” This simple statement puts us in a position to welcome support and also create a space for mutual honesty within all of our interpersonal relationships.

Create a new vision.

Finally, it may seem wacky to want to envision your life without your most recent partner but allowing yourself to think about what you want will continuously bring you back into your power. You can even do this during your dedicated time with step four above. Write down where you see your life in nine months. How do you want to feel? What are you wearing? How does your life feel overall? What things have changed? Now after you’ve answered those questions I want you to talk about how your next relationship feels. How do you all act together? How do you all support each other as a couple? How do you all connect? Fill these details in day by day. Dream as wild as you desire. Each day read over that vision for yourself. When you create the new vision and stop looking back at the past as a reference for what’s possible you open doors for life to happen.

The terms sexy and heartbreak don’t usually go together but in my work as an erotic dance coach I tell my clients that your sexy is your joy, your peace, your vibrancy, your excitement for life, your ability to be grounded, your faith, your power. Your sexy is all of those things combined. These are the things that help us make the best of life. And when a woman is truly committed to walking in her sexiness she is an unstoppable force in life.

If this message resonates with you I would love to have you join me for my ‘Reclaiming Your Sexy’ live workshop tour. This is a half day erotic dance workshop experience designed to help women truly get back in their power and reclaiming their authority to have the best the life has to offer. Click here to see full details and register.

Reclaiming Your Sexy After The Heartbreak was originally published on blackdoctor.org