R. Kelly Asking Trump To Save Him Was Not On My Bingo Card

R. Kelly Mugshot — Source: Cook County Department of Corrections / Cook County Department of Corrections

Look, man…

2025 has already been a wild year, which we all knew it would be the day President Donald Trump was elected to the White House for a second time, but amid all the chaos, I still did not have R .Kelly‘s attorney asking Trump to free the disgraced King of R&B from prison to save him from a white supremacist murder plot on by 2025 Bingo card.

According to USA Today, lawyers for Kelly, who is serving a 30-year sentence in a North Carolina prison for racketeering and sex trafficking, are claiming the federal government is colluding with the Aryan Brotherhood to murder the “I Believe I Can Fly” (but can I fly the coop?) singer because Kelly is threatening to expose prosecutorial corruption during his case.

“Federal officers have solicited the murder of R. Kelly because he intends to expose the corruption underlying his federal prosecutions. We have filed our motion to make sure that they fail,” Kelly’s attorney, Beau B Brindley, wrote in a statement on Wednesday. “The only thing that can protect Mr. Kelly behind the prison walls now is the fact that now the world is watching. And we will call on the courts and President Trump to help put an end to the corruption that now threatens Mr. Kelly’s life.”

From USA Today:

Kelly’s team provided a sworn statement from an inmate named Mikeal Stine, saying the officials offered to release him amid his terminal illness in exchange for Kelly’s murder. Stine, a leader of the Aryan Brotherhood, alleged he was previously directed to order beatings and killings by a prison official who also ordered the killing of Kelly. Stine said he was transferred in March to the Federal Correctional Institute facility in Butner, North Carolina – where Kelly is being held – and placed in the same unit.

Once Stine carried out the killing, he claimed officials said he would be allowed to escape the facility and though he’d be charged with murder, evidence would be mishandled, resulting in no conviction.

However, according to Stine’s declaration, he had a change of heart and told Kelly about the plot. Kelly’s lawyers also claim that in June, a second inmate with the Aryan Brotherhood was directed to kill both Stine and Kelly.

OK, so, a few things…

First, is this real life or Tyler Perry’s next movie script?

Secondly — *heavy sigh* — the “Bill Cosby was trying to buy NBC” crowd is about to have a field day with this one. (I was going to make an “R. Kelly was trying to buy Nickelodeon” joke, but I’ma stay classy.) There are already enough fans of predatory Black men pretending that these millionaire entertainers who have never busted a revolutionary grape throughout their careers are getting the Malcolm X treatment from “the powers that be.” (I was wrong. It’s worse than a Tyler Perry plot — it’s a Dr. Umar Johnson documentary.)

Lastly — and I hesitate to offer any legal advice that would help the Pied Predator evade justice, but — this just seems like poor strategy. I mean, Kelly’s lawyers are expecting Trump to save him from white supremacists. Don’t they know, as far as the MAGA messiah is concerned, white supremacists are the homies? I mean, Brindley thinks appealing to Trump will get his client out of lockup. I think it’s at least slightly more likely Trump will respond by telling the Brotherhood, “Stand back and stand by, but I’ll always fight for your Second Amendment right to bear shivs.“

Unless Kelly comes out of the closet he was trapped in as a white Afrikaner from South Africa, my money is on his little “fleeing from certain death” plea is likely to fall on deaf ears.

Brindley was better off claiming Kelly was in danger of being murdered by incarcerated Black Lives Matter protesters who were trying to prevent him from exposing a massive “illegal DEI” operation in the prison system.

R. Kelly is facing a murder plot by illegal MS-13 immigrants who are trying to kill him before he writes a letter to the White House, asking, “Ain’t they supposed to be in El Salvador?” That’s the kind of story that might get you aboard the Jan. 6 Pardon Train. Coming at Trump with a plea to flee white supremacists is just going to cause the president to “very fine people on both sides” Kelly to death.

Actually, Brindley isn’t seeking a pardon for his client. He said Kelly’s legal team isn’t seeking clemency but more so “a conversation with the president.”

“This is precisely the kind [of] prosecutorial corruption that President [Donald] Trump has vowed to eradicate,” he said. “We believe [Trump] is the only one with both the power and the courage to do it. And we will surely seek whatever help he can provide us in this fight.”

Hell, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Kelly’s legal team can pull off the hat trick after all. I mean, Trump does have a history of sexual assault allegations, including the case he was found liable for, that damn near rivals that of the 12 Play artist. They’re pretty much two peas in a predator pod.

All I know is, if Trump gets Kelly out of prison and places him on house arrest or something similar — the Step In The Name of MAGA album is going to be wild.

I hate it here.

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