Valentine’s Day will be here in less than a week. That means Cupid is out and about doing drive-by love connections on people worldwide. It also means that your significant other is expecting some sort of token of appreciation for all the BS they put up with throughout the year. And for what it’s worth, if you cause more grief than goodness in your so-called relationship, the least you can do is make it up to them come February 14th.
Though Valentine’s Day is traditionally recognized as a lady-based “holiday,” men deserve the same amount of praise and gift-giving as the women. We like to be wined and dined (and sixty-nined) as much as they do. Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to make up for giving your guy a hard time all year, so why not do so in a way that he’ll understand and appreciate?
Ladies, if you need help picking the right Valentine’s Day gift, check out these five Valentines Day gifts that any man would think are awesome.
Pole Dancing Lessons
It’s no secret that dudes love strippers. Seriously, dudes love strippers like women love matching panties and bra sets. If your boyfriend/husband/sugar daddy spends a sizable chunk of his free time at a strip club, best believe he’s not there for the award-winning hot wings. More like for the breasts and thighs, but that’s beside the point.
Unless you’re willing to drop a couple of paychecks on plastic surgery, chances are you won’t ever look like a dancer. It appears that a lot of so-called strippers aren’t all that attractive anyway, so that may work in your favor. But…just because you don’t look like an exotic dancer doesn’t mean that you can’t dance like one. And where else can you learn to move like a pole technician than in a pole dancing class? The snake charmer moves you’ll undoubtedly pick up in a pole dancing class will have effects lasting far beyond the media-driven, mass consumer consumption pseudo-holiday known as Valentine’s Day. Nothing says “I love you” like learning how to professionally twerk for your boo. You can even take those moves past the pole to the bed as long as you understand that’s how babies are made.
Year Subscription To Porn Site Of His Choice
Let’s be real, here. Porn is a part of the human experience, whether you like it or not. It has evolved over the years and thanks to the Internet, it’s now virtually unavoidable. It’s nothing like back in the 1980s when acquiring pornography meant going through your dad’s top drawer or squinting through the scrambled pictures of nipples/elbows on Cinemax After Dark. In 2014, it’s merely a few button swipes away. And though many woman perceive porn to be merely a step away from watching live strippers, it can actually be a helpful tool in sustaining a long-term relationship.
Without giving a percentage, let’s just say that most guys watch porn, and once you embrace that fact you can use it to your advantage. Porn will excite him when you can’t. And unlike the chicks at the strip club, he won’t get hypnotized by glitter-y cleavage and Lavender-scented twerkathons through a video screen. Hell, he may even pick up a few maneuvers and bring them over to your side of the bed more often instead of his side chicks and babymommas.
Men love to shop just as much as women do. The key difference is the things we shop for. For example, a woman might come up on an unexpected stack and decide to treat herself to a spa day, take her friends out to eat, and get her hair/nails done. A man, on the other hand, will probably use his inheritance to cop the latest gadgets for his car or his video game system. Maybe not all men, but enough to prove my point. For what it’s worth, men buy the extracurriculars before the essentials, and that’s just the way it is. For this reason, buying a man some fresh, new, never-been-worn underwear will hit him in the face like an uppercut of love.
Unlike women who take copious amounts of pride in their undergarment game, men don’t think about the draws they buy past paying for them at the cash register. From there, we just rock them until they fall apart or get replaced. This is where you step in. In this era of super-sagging, the last problem you need is your man exposing his sun-baked, weather-beaten boxers shorts to strangers and people that you may know. You’d be embarrassed and he would be oblivious, which brings me to my original point. Surprise your guy with some new underwear for Valentine’s Day.
Chances are that you know someone who sells weed. May be an ex, may be an uncle, but I’m positive you know at least one entry-level drug dealer. The same chances are that your man blazes Kush on a regular basis, so what more commendable way to illustrate your appreciation and affection for all his hard work than by buying him some herb? I mean, it’s practically legal in America, no?
For the most part, this is a gift that will insure that your Valentine’s Day will be a mellow one. Though your bae may fall asleep at some point or forget where you guys are supposed to be going, you can rest assured that there will be no arguments. And if it is some fire he may not even ask you where you got it from (which would normally start an argument) because he’ll be so far up in the clouds that all he’ll think about is munchies and sex. That’s when you hit a nice restaurant to cure his appetite, then hit the sheets to show him what you learned in Pole Dancing class. A veritable win-win for all parties involved.
A “Free” Day
One of my main beefs with Valentine’s Day is that it perpetuates the notion that there is a day set aside for us to show the love we have for our significant other. This should be done daily. Love should be a continual cycle, every year, until the relationship ceases to exist or one of you dies. If you do show your love throughout the year, let Valentine’s Day be a break, so to speak.
Not to be confused with a “Hall Pass,” the break can be a day that your man doesn’t have to feel any pressure to perform, thus leaving him with time to relax. And if you procured the aforementioned weed and porn subscription, you can be sure that he won’t leave the house or cheat on you. At least not on that day. It should be a real break from the kids, the bills, and anything else that reminds him of his daily routine. Men are easy to please if you have the right road map, and while a free day may not solve all your problems, it’ll at least give you time to catch your breath between arguments.