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If hypocrisy were bat guano, we’d all be hip deep in the stuff by now.

Everybody wants to get in his or her two cents worth about Missouri Rep. Todd Akin’s “legitimate rape” quote, and frankly, I can’t blame folks.

If there are two words that absolutely, positively do NOT belong together, even in the same sentence, much less next to each other, then the words “legitimate” and “rape” would be the two.

Memo to Todd: rape is, by definition, you moron, not legitimate. Ever. Not that I expect guys with names like Todd to make anything even remotely resembling an intelligent statement.

President Obama was the first out of the bash-Akins gate when he held an impromptu news conference to talk about Akins’ “legitimate rape” insanity.

“The views expressed were offensive,” the president said. “Rape is rape. And the idea that we should be parsing and qualifying and slicing what types of rape we are talking about doesn’t make sense to the American people and doesn’t make sense to me.”

This being an election year, Obama couldn’t and didn’t stop there. He went on and tried to ratchet up his share of the women’s vote with these comments.

“So what I think these comments do underscore is why we shouldn’t have a bunch of politicians, a majority of whom are men, making health care decisions on behalf of women.

“Although these particular comments have led Gov. Romney and other Republicans to distance themselves, I think the underlying notion that we should be making decisions on behalf of women for their health care decisions, or qualifying forcible rape versus non-forcible rape, I think those are broader issues. And that is a significant difference in approach between me and the other party.”

Soon after the president made his remarks, a slew of women’s groups weighed in on the issue. According to a story in the Aug. 21 edition of The Baltimore Sun, among the groups in Maryland were the anti-sexual assault and anti-domestic violence organization TurnAround Inc., the Sexual Assault Forensic Examiners Program, the Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault and NARAL Pro-Choice Maryland.

In an Aug. 21 story on, actress Gabrielle Union said she was shocked by Akins’ remarks, and would have been “saddened except that it pissed me off.”

Union also went into the details of her own rape when she was only 19 years old. For the record, I want the guy that raped my Gabrielle executed, and yesterday couldn’t be soon enough.

But I have to ask her, since she’s outraged that Akins thinks there’s such a thing as “legitimate rape” (he’s since tried to back off, but there’s no backing off from this one) was she as equally outraged by Whoopi Goldberg’s “it wasn’t rape-rape” gem of three years ago?

I’m inclined to think not, since we heard nary a word from Union about that one. Come to think of it, we didn’t hear from Obama either.

Or Planned Parenthood.

Or the National Organization of Women.

Or NARAL Pro-Choice insert-name-of-state here.

Here’s what happened: on The View, a show that Goldberg co-hosts with way too many co-hosts, she attempted to defend convicted child molester and rapist Roman Polanski.

I repeat: a CONVICTED child molester AND rapist.

During the show, Goldberg contended that Polanski’s drugging and sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl wasn’t “rape-rape.”

Mind you, “rape-rape” was EXACTLY what Polanski pleaded guilty to. (To be completely accurate, Polanski pleaded guilty to a charge of sex with a minor. But in these United States, sex with a minor is called “statutory rape,” and, as our president has just assured us, “rape is rape.”)

And there was no Obama saying to Whoopi: “Rape is rape. And the idea that we should be parsing and qualifying and slicing what types of rape we are talking about doesn’t make sense to the American people and doesn’t make sense to me.”

All that parsing and qualifying and slicing might not make sense to you, Mr. President, but it sure as heck does to Whoopi Goldberg, who’s not a conservative, sure has heck ain’t a Republican, and, if I’m not mistaken, supports YOUR re-election bid.

Oh, that Roman Polanski thing got a lot worse than Goldberg’s “rape-rape” nonsense. A slew of Hollywood types – actors, screenwriters, producers and directors – raised a huge stink accusing the U.S. government of picking on poor Roman Polanski. Why?

Polanski fled to France rather than face prison here, no doubt because he figured he’d up washing the soiled drawers of some guy named Bubba the Violator. France refused to extradite him. U.S. officials nabbed Polanski when he visited Switzerland and tried to get him extradited from there.

The U.S. government was trying to extradite Polanski so he could serve his prison term here. I’m betting many of the Hollywood types that supported Polanski not being extradited are now the same ones mad as hell at Akins.

I’d better take a weekend road trip to Canada. Kind of smells like hypocrisy on this side of the border.

Gregory Kane is an award-winning columnist and Pulitzer finalist who writes from Baltimore.