There once was a time when the mistresses of committed men stayed in the shadows and played their roles as the supplements to a man’s relationship in silence, but nowadays with an increased interest in these taboo relationships, “side chicks” (as we call them) sport their secondary positions loud and proud. With shows such as “Scandal”, “Mistresses” (this one did not last), “Being Mary Jane” and the countless amounts of Lifetime network shows giving these side unions a platform to shine, there is no wonder why so many women (and men) are now in constant debate about why these types of relationships are detrimental and downright disrespectful to the main union.
The subject that is rarely spoken about, however, is why these secondary relationships exist in the first place. The usual line that side chicks use as a defense in validating their roles when discovered by the main woman is, “If you were doing your job your man wouldn’t be with me,” and as silly as some women may think this sounds there is some validity to it.
In my role as a sexuality coach, I am often a confidant for married or committed men who have issues within their unions, and in the countless amounts of conversations that I have had with these unsatisfied men, I often get a clear perspective for why side chicks play a role (and sometimes major roles) in their lives. What I am about to say may hit home for some and offend others, but the truth is never pretty, now is it?
If you are losing out to the other woman, the truth is that you’re not holding up your end of the relationship contract. Every person is going to have a different set of rules that their relationship is based on, but in general, breakdowns within relationship contracts happen when:
- Sex becomes mundane
- Physical appearance begins to take a turn for the worse
- Sex becomes an obligated chore instead of an enjoyable time
- Communication breaks down
- Interest in what your partner values becomes non-existent
- Quality time becomes scarce
- Appreciation and admiration stops
- Affection is rarely shown
These are just a few of the reasons why side chicks are able to penetrate what many believe to be impenetrable relationships. Love is the card that many feel should trump any outside desires within a relationship, but a man can be in love and still have an attraction to other women (it’s instinctual and monogamy is a choice).
So the real question is, how do you do your part as the main player to avoid the possible interception by a side chick?
Remain in competition.
Remaining in competition doesn’t mean that you have to be jealous or constantly checking up on the next woman, but what it does mean is remaining consistent with how you started out in the relationship. Whatever attracted your man to you is what will keep him with you. Your bubbly personality and ability to be a great listener, your gorgeous skin, your toned body and delicious home cooked meals are all of the things that made him say, “I choose you.” A lack of care in appearance is the second most common issue I hear men state as a contribution to why they cheat. Caring for yourself as a woman and taking pride in your appearance exudes self love, and that love radiates and touches your partner as well. It can be a challenge when dealing with the issues of everyday life to stay in the game, but you have to ask yourself, “Am I doing as much as possible to give out what I’m am expecting back from my partner?” Its worth the effort to stay on point!
Oh The ‘Scandal’!: How Not To Lose To The Other Woman was originally published on blackdoctor.org