What’s the worse that can happen? When you start off any venture with that sentence at the forefront, you’re usually in for an adventure at best and an emotional rollercoaster at worst. When my co-host and I decided to do a “Mamas Gone Wild” episode about sex with your ex, we knew on some levels what the verdict would be – that in most cases, it should be avoided.
Sex with an old seems simple, but is actually very complicated. Samantha Jones from “Sex and The City” summed it up when she said: “Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it’s good, you can’t get it anymore. If it’s bad, you just had sex with an ex.”
After all, the point in becoming exes, for whatever reason it ended up that way, is to move on. If you’re still willing to swap bodily fluids, there are clearly some kinds of ties, whether purely emotional of purely physical, that you keep you coming back for more. So, check your motives. Sometimes people – usually men – go back into old relationships because it’s an easy way of affirming that they are still attractive. The problem is that it sends mixed messages to you and is likely to leave you feeling very confused too. And women, you’re not off the hook either. We rarely revisit a sexual relationship with an ex with the express intention of keeping it casual. If you find yourself using either rationale, then it’s time for a reality check.
Factor children into the equation, and that adds another layer. And if your ex is dating or has remarried, you’re heading for a drama worthy of your own reality show.
Yet, it happens a lot.
We’re not experts on the subject, but here’s one thing I know for sure: When exes get together, one of them is more emotionally vested, wants more and believes that it means more than it does.
If you’re sleeping with your ex, and you are NOT the person in the equation I just described, then you’re the one in control, and you’re the one who probably should put a stop to it. If you aren’t sure which person you are in the relationship, we’ve come with some ways to help you figure it out.
You have plans to go to a Jill Scott concert with two of your girlfriends. He calls an hour before you’re to leave and asks you to meet him for a “drink.” You:
A. Tell him you’ll meet him after the concert.
B. Cancel the plans with your girls.
C. Thank him for the invitation and ask him to catch you next time.
Your son is having trouble with his science project. You:
A. Have your son call him and explain his dilemma.
B. Put on a low cut blouse and invite him over to discuss the project.
C. Make arrangements for your son and him to meet at the library to work it out.
You run into him and his new woman at a party. You:
A. Leave the party shortly after you see him, even if you’re having a good time with friends.
B. Slip him a sexy note.
C. Make sure he notices that you’re doing just fine without him.
You’re home alone on a Saturday night. You:
A. Make a pros-and-cons list of why you should NOT call your ex.
B. Call him, text him, write on his Facebook Wall, follow him on Twitter.
C. Join an online dating service and try to meet someone new.
It’s his birthday. You:
A. Write a birthday wish on his Facebook wall.
B. Leave him a voice message reminding him of what you all did on his birthday when you were together.
C. Keep it moving like it’s any other day.
If you answered B to two or more of the questions, you are still consumed by the past and until you come to terms with it, you’ll never be able to have the healthy, happy relationship that you deserve.
If you answered A to most of the questions, you’re still attached, but you know what you’re doing.
If you answered mostly C, it’s a wrap, its done, deuces – next!
If you are thinking about having sex with your ex or trying to resurrect the relationship, it would be worth it to figure out what went wrong the first time around or you may find yourself crashing and burning for a second time. And speaking of crashing and burning – sexually transmitted diseases are a very real thing. Make sure you discuss with your ex what he or she has been doing while you’ve been apart, and seriously consider using a condom no matter what you’re sexual practices were when you were together.
Protecting your heart AND your other important assets are the name of the game. The prize is your emotional and physical well-being. As the lyrics to the old Kenny Rogers song says, “You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.” And sometimes it’s just not worth the gamble.
Nikki Woods is senior producer of “The Tom Joyner Morning Show.” The author of “Easier Said Than Done,” the Dallas-based Woods is currently working on her second and third novels. You can friend her on Facebook or follow her on Twitter: @nikkiwoods.