I was so determined to be independent that the very idea of needing someone to do anything for me hurt my feelings and would bring me to tears. I’d cry and pout partly because of my pride, partly because of my only child syndrome, and partly because of fear of rejection. Further, I didn’t want to feel obligated to anyone nor have the help thrown back up in my face.

There are moments in life where you just don’t have a choice but to ask for help, like the day I needed a ride to rent a car. Anyone who’s ever been to LA knows you can barely get across the sidewalk without a car. So I reluctantly asked a musician acquaintance for a ride. As we rode I began to tell him how hard it was for me to ask for his help. I went on to describe how I was used to being the person helping others, how it was a more rewarding and comfortable position for me than being on the receiving end.

This gentleman blew me away when he suggested that perhaps I was not as giving as I thought I was; that I might actually be selfish. He said that his gift, talent or interest might actually be driving people around the city and that I almost prevented him from sharing it, had I not called. Sound like game?

Maybe. But he took his point a step further. He told me that when you try to do everything by yourself you may be preventing someone else from fulfilling their purpose and using their talents, gifts and abilities to bless you, which would ultimately bless them. He then suggested that I might be selfish by always wanting to be the giver, thus, never allowing anyone else to help. My mind raced. I could not believe it. Had I become a greedy giver?

While I could have challenged his statements, the truth is he left me speechless. What he said made sense and hit me hard. I needed to examine myself and admit that sometimes helping others was more about wanting all the glory, being a big shot, being in control. Asking for help from others made me like a helpless little girl; it made me feel like people might somehow think less of me. Somewhere in my mind I didn’t feel I deserved the help of others. If someone helped me, that meant I didn’t do things my way; or I was less accomplished. When it came down to it, I realized that I had a chip on my shoulder, I was a control freak, and that I was afraid of exposing my weaknesses, my humanity.

When we truly let down our guard to allow someone to help us, it often means that they will discern our shortcomings, and the image that they had of us might be diminished.

It’s embarrassing. You and your house look like a mess. Once you peak out of the window, you find yourself doing the house shuffle. You know: when you run as fast and quietly as you can to hide the dirty dishes, prop up the pillow and remove all of the inappropriate things that might be out and about.
On one hand, you find yourself half irritated because it’s rude to stop by unannounced and on the other hand, you’re apologizing for the condition of your residence. I’ve certainly been guilty of it. And we say things like, “Oh, my house isn’t usually this messy” or “Give me a second to get myself together.”

Now, regardless of how much you tidy up with the quickness, you are not completely comfortable. You can’t wait for them to leave because you were caught off guard. When they arrived, it threw off your rhythm. And suddenly you were uncomfortable in your own space. I am sure you would agree that being in that state is not ideal for company.

So why then, on the occasions when you pray for the ideal lover to come into your life or, when you’re pressing your companion for a deeper, more committed relationship; would you invite them into your house without you first doing the necessary house cleaning – emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially? You should want to be comfortable in your personal space before inviting others in.

When you don’t take the time to do your own house cleaning, people may actually come over to visit, but they won’t stay there very long and under the best circumstances. Why? Because your house wasn’t ready for company.

Deya “Direct” Smith, is a producer on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and host of Girlfriend FM & Beyond the Studio celebrity interviews. She is also the author of the best-selling book “Touch Yourself, 30 Ways to Live, Love and Let Go!” (www.touchmebooks.com) Deya is a life-style and inspirational speaker.

In age, I’ve got her by 12 years, so as a big sister of sorts, I can say that I am very proud of her.  To have your world turned upside down in the public, not only are you being criticized for loving the wrong man at the wrong time, but when you give your love to someone else, the love that you should really be pouring into your own life, it leaves you naked, ashamed, full of pain and empty all at the same time.  So how do you recover?  Check out the interview I did with the FANTASTIC Fantasia.  She will tell you exactly how she got to happy.

Live long and strong little sister. You shall live and not die. Women everywhere can live out loud because you did. The big lesson here is that you can be human, fall down and, yes, GET BACK UP.  And when you do, you will be surprised and relieved to realize that people will accept you for exactly who you are.  And the right people in your life will help you grow in your journey of becoming the best you. We are all growing and becoming who we really are.  Thank God we are being remixed and remade. Yes, Thank God!

Kordell Stewart — the former Pittsburgh Steelers star — has filed for divorce from his reality star wife Porsha Williams.

According to the divorce docs, Kordell says the marriage is “irretrievably broken” … and claims the two are currently separated.

Generally speaking, no couple breaks up over one issue. In this case, regardless of his issues (which are rumored to be many, including questions about his sexuality and him having control issues), it seems to me that Porsha may have put too many of her eggs in the wrong basket.  Perhaps this man could take care of her financially, but emotionally, that’s another story.  This is a story that I’ve seen far too often with women, myself included.

Unfortunately for Porsha, it seems Kordell also believes he shouldn’t have to pay a single cent in spousal support … claiming, “[She's] an able-bodied person, earning income and is capable of supporting herself.”

Personally, every time that I looked at Porsha, I saw more than her pretty eyes, more than a blank stare, but I saw a young woman who looked lost and a little sad behind her smile.

Perhaps I recognized the latter part because I too married when I was very young, right out of college, graduating from Howard University. On a recent interview about my book, “Touch Yourself, 30 Ways to Boldly Live, Love and Let Go!” I was asked, “Why did you get married so young and when you had doubts?” My response was, “because I was afraid not to. I was looking for love and security. I had big dreams, but I was very fearful to face the world by myself…” I sense that same spirit in Porsha.

She’s like a pretty lost puppy who needed to find herself before getting married. She is also a singer and has dreams that her husband doesn’t seem willing to let her pursue. Perhaps he was a security choice for her so she didn’t have to face the world alone. Now she must face her truth. Grown up time.

If I could give her some advice, it would be from this excerpt from my book:

“Too often women don’t choose themselves. Because of our desire to be loved, we feel obligated to take care of everyone else’s needs first in hopes that it will make them love us back. And when we do take the time that we want or need for ourselves, we still feel guilty about it. Further, when it comes to relationships, even if we articulate what it is that we want, too often we’ll settle for good enough. But guess what? Good enough is not good enough. And if you don’t feel that you’re good enough to fully have your heart’s desires fulfilled, no one else will either.

Are you attracted to someone who treats you like the queen that you are? If not, then acceptance for that lies within you. The more you treat yourself well, the more you will be drawn to those who do the same.

Many women are guilty of losing themselves within a relationship. We give our hearts and spirits over to the point beyond desire. When and if that relationship ends, you’re left trying to identify with yourself again; wondering “who am I?” Indeed, who are you?”

Porsha, I know that this is a difficult time in your life. Loss of love and having your pain being exposed publicly is both painful and embarrassing.  Believe me. I understand.  But little sister, this is a time for you to get “in touch” with yourself.  Give yourself permission to live your life on your own terms unapologetically—Boldly, Live, Love and Let Go!

And that message goes to any person reading this. If the relationship that you’re in does not support you being your best self, then it is not the best relationship for you.

Deya “Direct” Smith, is a producer on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and host of Girlfriend FM & Beyond the Studio celebrity interviews. She is also the author of Touch Yourself, 30 Ways to Live, Love and Let Go (www.touchmebooks.com)! Deya is a life-style and inspirational speaker.

“Real Housewives of Atlanta” Through the Seasons

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When I interviewed Alicia Keys in the Red Velvet Cake Studio, whose voice, career and album are all “On Fire”, we discussed the power of letting go of things in your life that are no longer working – everything from hair, to lifestyle to people.

SEE VIDEO:

I couldn’t help but ask Alicia about cutting her hair. This was a dramatic change from the Alicia Keys that the world has become accustomed to seeing on the small or big screen singing at award shows, performing in videos, promoting her projects, speaking about issues close to her heart or more recently, acting. Whether her hair was in braids, natural curls, coifed or flat-ironed; the one constant is that it was always really long.

Here’s what Alicia had to say about cutting her hair: “You know, I think I just feel more easy. I definitely feel like when you’ve had your hair for a lot of years – and then you cut it – it kind of let’s go of a lot of years and just kind of allows you to be fresh and start again. And that’s a lot about … just finding my place and my newness now and it just feels really empowering, sexy and fly.”

Hair is a reflection of our essence. The Bible says that a woman’s hair is her glory. So what does your hair say about you? Is it free, heavy, fun, sexy, stylish or conservative, dark, light or bright? Changing your hair is like changing your identity. When a woman cuts her hair it’s like cutting ties with her old self and beginning anew. Stylist Mattie Michelle says, “By the time a client comes to me to get a major haircut, it’s usually a reflection of change that’s already happening in her life. Most times, a haircut is a manifestation of a metamorphosis from the inside out.”

Letting go of your hair can often make you feel exposed and vulnerable because there is less hair to hide behind. If you cut your hair really short, it can almost be like a coming out party; letting go of what was and reinventing yourself. You must be ready to be revealed.

Are you ready for a fresh start? What do you need to cut out of your life so that you can begin again, get free, be light and limber?

Letting go of something, be it hair, a relationship or a job, does not have to be a negative. Sometimes you just need a change, something new, fun, exciting and different. Unfortunately, change is difficult for some people. And when it’s time for a change and you’re afraid to move forward, you drag your feet and waste time. When you look back, valuable time and opportunity have come and gone. Be open to change and to discovering something new about you and new about life. Give yourself a new boost of energy by letting go of every weight that brings you down, depleting you of the energy and strength that you need to move to the next level.

Deya “Direct” Smith, is a producer on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and host of Girlfriend FM & Beyond the Studio celebrity interviews.  She is also the author of Touch Yourself, 30 Ways to Live, Love and Let Go (www.touchmebooks.com)!  Deya is a life-style and inspirational speaker.

When you learn to love yourself, you teach others how to love you back.

That is the same sentiment that the legendary actress Pam Grier expressed when I interviewed her. When describing her past relationships with one of the greatest comedians of all time, Richard Pryor, and Hall of Fame NBA player, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, she finally came to this conclusion; “You have to love yourself more, and then others will love you for it. I loved Richard dearly, but I had to let him go. I knew that I had to take care of me and my family. Had I stayed (with Richard or Kareem), I think I would have lost my identity. I would not be the Pam Grier that people know today.”

Too often women don’t choose themselves. Because of our desire to be loved, we feel obligated to take care of everyone else’s needs first in hopes that it will make them love us back. And when we do take the time that we want or need for ourselves, we still feel guilty about it. Further, when it comes to relationships, even if we articulate what it is that we want, too often we’ll settle for good enough. But guess what? Good enough is not good enough. And if you don’t feel that you’re good enough to fully have your heart’s desires fulfilled, no one else will either.

Are you attracted to someone who treats you like the queen that you are? If not, then acceptance for that lies within you. The more you treat yourself well, the more you will be drawn to those who do the same.

So regardless of how you grew up, or who wasn’t there for you, the question today is how do you get to this place called “self-love”? You begin by being honest. Force yourself to identify the things that you love about yourself. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Simply write yourself a love letter listing all the wonderful ways in which you are loveable.

As an example, here are some things that I love about myself: I love my fashion sense. I have style and I know my body-type, so I create outfits that best compliment my body. I also like my personality. I’m fun, silly, smart, sarcastic, quick on my feet, loving, passionate and more.

Secondly, by identifying the positive characteristics that you love about yourself, you will exude that “oomph” and others will be drawn to it. Likewise, if you feel bad about yourself, others will too. And they will feel justified in treating you badly – taking advantage of you, disrespecting you and more.

While it may be easier to look outside of yourself for affirmation, that approach will ultimately backfire on you because it does not provide a solid foundation. Your footing will be based on the ups, downs, whims, and the emotional availability of someone else when in fact, you have the power to set the tone for how people interact with you. It all begins with how you interact with yourself. As church folk say, sometimes you’ve got to encourage yourself.

Deya “Direct” Smith, is a producer on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and host of Girlfriend FM & Beyond the Studio celebrity interviews.  She is also the author of Touch Yourself, 30 Ways to Live, Love and Let Go (www.touchmebooks.com)!  Deya is a life-style and inspirational speaker.

Lyrically, Jill Scott does what I like to call “mental masturbation” with her play on words, all the while taking us on a musical journey that feels and sounds so good. That is what I hope this book ultimately does for you. I want you to reach that hot spot in your life. You know that place when you know you’re in a good space and living it up in all the ways that count. Finally, it is your time to get yours.

Foreplay is intimate preparation and stimulation that precedes your reaching that special place. Verbally, foreplay may include compliments, and intimate conversations. Non-verbally, foreplay can include kissing, touching, standing inside someone’s personal space or holding a long gaze. Simply, it can be a connection, an understanding, it’s a vibe. Foreplay is the planning, the anticipating, the actions and the effort you put into something before the big pay-off. As syndicated radio host and Radio Hall of Famer Tom Joyner says, “You got to put the work in.” He usually says this in the context of producing relevant and creative work. But the principle applies across the board. Basically, you have to prepare before you can get to the good part – the recognition, the accolades, the awards, and the money.

Nobody knows what the big payoff is for you better than you. You must then be tuned into and in touch with the deepest part of yourself. How tuned in are you about what you really want? Let me illustrate with pop culture. Many of us tune in and watch reality TV on a daily basis because we like watching other people’s drama. Regardless of your opinion about the content on reality TV; the reality check is that those “real people” that we watch are, in many ways, living their dreams out loud in front of our faces. They are on TV, online, building their own brands and getting paid well for it. And whether we are entertained immensely or shaking our heads with dismay, the fact remains that millions not only tune in but when the show is over, they are discussing what went down, play by play on the phone, or even at work the next day. In the meantime, these personalities are putting in the work and are cashing in all the way to the bank.

Of course, I’m not minimizing your life to reality TV, but I do want you to tune into your world and have a reality check. How does it look, and why are you doing what you do? These answers will reveal your motives and will make it clear how much you’re willing to work to reach your intended goals – love, family, education, professional growth, respect, comfort, security or all of the above. Any good reporter will tell you that knowing how to ask the right things at the right times can lead to a major scoop. What’s the scoop on you? Be bold and ask yourself the tough questions: Who am I at my core? What do I really want to do? Am I fully committed to it, and for the right reasons? Or do I just want the results of what I think it can bring me? What am I willing to do to achieve it? Go ahead. Take that self-examination. Whisper in your own ear; the answers to those queries will be the mirror that reflects your reality and help clarify what’s hindering you.

Deya “Direct” Smith, is a producer on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and host of Girlfriend FM & Beyond the Studio celebrity interviews. She is also the author of Touch Yourself, 30 Ways to Live, Love and Let Go (www.touchmebooks.com)! Deya is a life-style and inspirational speaker.

This is a similar perspective that Basketball Wives Reality Star Evelyn Lozada shared with me during our interview recently (See video here).  Evelyn came out of a long-term relationship with a basketball player that ultimately did not give her the love and commitment that her heart desired.

As a part of moving on with her life, she became a cast member of “Basketball Wives,” was running her shoe company and was finally starting to date. In fact, she shared how she was excited about this new chapter in her life and felt good about investing in her own dreams. She was in a good place. And as the saying goes, when you stop looking “it” comes to you.

As I write this blog, Evelyn will be getting married tomorrow, the 4th of July, to NFL player Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson. He proposed after only four months of dating. She wasn’t expecting it or pressuring him. They were simply happy and enjoying themselves and their love.

Being in her flow is a result of her feeding her spirit. It’s when she’s free to live beyond one role in her life but she can in fact fulfill all the roles that make sense to her. I’m not talking about being “Everywoman;” For her it’s enough to be her OWN woman.

Multiple roles are nothing new to us. As women seeking and achieving success, we often find ourselves wearing various hats to successfully function in our roles of mother, daughter, sister-friend, lover, boss, employee, performer, writer, preacher, teacher, and the list goes on. We must discover and find effective ways to make time to do what is important to us. For some reason, when we fall in love we tend to give up our power. We forget about how we had-it-going-on before the relationship. Remember, that’s why he fell for you in the first place – because you are a desirable and a valuable woman.

There is so much more to today’s woman than meets the eye. At any given moment, a sister may be working as a vice president of a bank, political activist, or secretary. On the right, she’s a mother, a sister-friend, a girlfriend or wife. Look to the left, this sister is flowing as producer, actress, soul-singer, rap diva or dancer. These are the dynamics of being a multi-faceted.

Some of us get stuck in one or two roles. Not because there’s not more to us, but because life can be overwhelming. We need to keep our motivation and sense of self. Stay focused on the dream that makes us feel free, creative, smart or special. Our spiritual, mental and financial survival requires us to function in all of our roles without shame or guilt. Creating satisfaction in our inner-most self is as essential as breathing.

Be you

What is love really?

One definition of love, according to Psychology Today, says “Love is inherently free. It cannot be bought, sold or traded. Love is a force of nature. However much we may want to, we cannot command, demand or disappear love. Love is bigger than you are. You can invite love, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself.”

Biblically speaking, according to First Corinthians 13:4-8, “Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”

Love is the giving of ourselves.

When we consider the people, places, memories and things that we love and often lose too soon, it’s hard to say goodbye to that which we carry in our hearts. We mourn the loss. Those feelings can range from numbness, sadness, anger, resentment and more. When you really love, you can’t just turn those emotions off just because they may betray the hope and expectations that you have for it.

So, what to do?