There once was a time when the mistresses of committed men stayed in the shadows and played their roles as the supplements to a man’s relationship in silence, but nowadays with an increased interest in these taboo relationships, “side chicks” (as we call them) sport their secondary positions loud and proud. With shows such as “Scandal”, “Mistresses” (this one did not last), “Being Mary Jane” and the countless amounts of Lifetime network shows giving these side unions a platform to shine, there is no wonder why so many women (and men) are now in constant debate about why these types of relationships are detrimental and downright disrespectful to the main union.
The subject that is rarely spoken about, however, is why these secondary relationships exist in the first place. The usual line that side chicks use as a defense in validating their roles when discovered by the main woman is, “If you were doing your job your man wouldn’t be with me,” and as silly as some women may think this sounds there is some validity to it.
In my role as a sexuality coach, I am often a confidant for married or committed men who have issues within their unions, and in the countless amounts of conversations that I have had with these unsatisfied men, I often get a clear perspective for why side chicks play a role (and sometimes major roles) in their lives. What I am about to say may hit home for some and offend others, but the truth is never pretty, now is it?
If you are losing out to the other woman, the truth is that you’re not holding up your end of the relationship contract. Every person is going to have a different set of rules that their relationship is based on, but in general, breakdowns within relationship contracts happen when:
- Sex becomes mundane
- Physical appearance begins to take a turn for the worse
- Sex becomes an obligated chore instead of an enjoyable time
- Communication breaks down
- Interest in what your partner values becomes non-existent
- Quality time becomes scarce
- Appreciation and admiration stops
- Affection is rarely shown
These are just a few of the reasons why side chicks are able to penetrate what many believe to be impenetrable relationships. Love is the card that many feel should trump any outside desires within a relationship, but a man can be in love and still have an attraction to other women (it’s instinctual and monogamy is a choice).
So the real question is, how do you do your part as the main player to avoid the possible interception by a side chick?
Remain in competition.
Remaining in competition doesn’t mean that you have to be jealous or constantly checking up on the next woman, but what it does mean is remaining consistent with how you started out in the relationship. Whatever attracted your man to you is what will keep him with you. Your bubbly personality and ability to be a great listener, your gorgeous skin, your toned body and delicious home cooked meals are all of the things that made him say, “I choose you.” A lack of care in appearance is the second most common issue I hear men state as a contribution to why they cheat. Caring for yourself as a woman and taking pride in your appearance exudes self love, and that love radiates and touches your partner as well. It can be a challenge when dealing with the issues of everyday life to stay in the game, but you have to ask yourself, “Am I doing as much as possible to give out what I’m am expecting back from my partner?” Its worth the effort to stay on point!
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This Week’s Celebrity Instagrams (10/15-10/21)
31 photos Launch gallery
1. Just a NY girl with BIG dreams....
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2. HAPPY CHILDREN=QUALITY PARENTING. We don't always see eye to eye on everything and that's normal. We're human beings. But we come together and do it right for what's important, the kids. We are not enemies, we are parents. And we are parents 1st. S/O to @monyettashaw for making Mason's bday memorable. S/O to @itscrystalsmith at home taking care of our other lil' Prince. ❤️❤️❤️ THIS IS WHAT CO-PARENTING LOOKS LIKE. #Blessed #Happy #AboveTheDrama #BiggerThanUs
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3. So happy to finally be able to share with you all that I’m the new Global Brand Ambassador for @Revlon! Follow my day on RevlonSnaps. Yay! Choose Love, Everybody! #RevlonXCiara #chooselove #ad
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4. Glam on point!!!@makeupbymotoko & @shaylinjoneshair #easybreezy @lifetimetv #beachesmovie #january2017 😘
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5. ✨True love ✨📸: @jessiemarrerophotography
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7. Today was not easy..but by the grace of God we all got through it. Words cannot express our gratitude for all of your Prayers, Positive thoughts and Support for us throughout the years. Tommy will be missed but most certainly never forgotten...And PLEASE don't ask "Where's Martin?.." he was there too...just not in this picture. Lol! God bless you all.. #LoveConquersAll #MartinShow
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9. West coast get ready for #RockyHorror. I will be live tweeting again. #letsdothetimewarpagain
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10. #THEKEYS pre order yours now ... Available everywhere #NOV22 #WeTheBest 🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑
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11. We about to ROCK at #KCABlackBall!! All for our life-changing effort to end 🌎 AIDS.
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12. Today's #SNAPJACK is brought to you by @yazzthegreatest 😂😂😂💋💋💋
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13. Damn girl you kinda old to be headed to the Go Go. You coming in at the age they leaving. LMAO
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14. Daddy daycare B-Boxin with @acewellstucker @shopraisingace
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15. #FBF Naviyd & URV "LIL MONSTERS"
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16. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF THE BIGGEST LEGENDS IN OUR HIPHOP HISTORY! @snoopdogg CONTINUED BLESSING AND LOVE FAMILY!!!!! REAL OG!
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17. Thank you for a beautiful night VSU! Let's do it again! #HOMECOMING
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18. Had a great time this morning with my familia Erica, Griff & Truth!!
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19. Check out my interview on @essence facebook live. #inmyownwords #nycpromo #day2
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20. #She💋 #tbt #TheCoveAtTheAtlantis #DawgPawsAndAll
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21. Bae #retailtherapy
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22. Why me and @coryhardrict got the same pose... and notee... new mouth #naked
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23. When my husband is my personal 'hype-man'! it kills me every time! 💜😂 #WHATNOW #lostfiles📷
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24. Diggy Simmons
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25. Hand full of @jacquieaiche 💙💎💍 @esnail_la 💅🏾
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26. SuperSoulers! You can watch my interview with Carl Lentz live from my Facebook page, tomorrow at 11a ET| 8a PT. #SuperSoulSunday
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27. 💋 .. When the friendship is easy like Sunday morning. ☀️
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28. Sunday mornings are the best........... hugs and cuddles with my angel
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29. #huggar16 #hellohuggars
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30. My gym is everywhere!.. #RnBMoney #TheGeneral 📸: @twelvepastseven
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31. Nothing I would rather be doing... Rocko setting up our movie, Romelō working on a puzzle & Laiyah singing and sharing all she's learning at school... I'm so grateful for the joy they've brought into my life ... Praying for peace , joy & love in the home of EVERY family ♥️ #HeadScarfPJSunday LOL 😂
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