Sex and the Grown and Sexy Mom

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  • As the mother of two sons approaching puberty, an aunt of teens and young adults and Miss Nikki to a lot of kids whose hormones are raging, sex is on my mind a lot. The risks, the choices, the consequences, the inevitable…and more than anything, the realization of how little control we actually have at the whens, wheres and hows of our children’s sexual experiences are enough to make you wish you could make them sleep from puberty until the day we send them off to college.

    When it comes to my own sexuality, I figured at this point, I got this!  But recently I came up against a challenge that let me know even more clearly that our children are facing a world where it seems that nothing is private, sacred, or off limits.  You might think in your mind that everything is okay as long as it’s between consenting adults … until you realize just how much is considered okay.

    If you’re a woman dating today, there’s a good chance that you’re dating men who have grown up with expectations based on what they’ve seen in music videos and the internet.  For me, it isn’t so much the kinds of things they expect, it’s how soon they expect them to happen.  Add to that the elevated progression of “dating.” if you’re still using old school baseball rules on what you consider first, second and third base, you need to get your hands on today’s playbook that could include anything from sexting to threesomes.

    Part of the issue is that men’s sexual appetites are changing.  “The Playboy Centerfold era is over, according to an article in Men’s Health.  It cites an Indiana University study that says men say they were most aroused by hard-core, lesbian, female-only, amateur, and “barely legal” pornography.

    With hard-core pornography, you’re able to become aroused more quickly and intensely,” says Ana Bridges, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Arkansas. “When there is more action, more intensity of emotion—it doesn’t necessarily have to be a positive emotion; it can just be intensity—then arousal increases.”

    This doesn’t mean we have to live up to these fantasies, but it does mean we should at least know what where their heads are.  No pun intended.

    Dallas-based Relationship Strategist Kisha L. Allen believes the media plays a big role in the unrealistic  sexual expectations men have of women but women also have to take responsibility.

    “We as women support and nurture these expectations by feeding into them, ultimately making men believe that what they see on TV  (or in movies) is real. The issue is…a man watches this crap, then he has a girlfriend or multiple girlfriends who out of fear of losing him will do anything and everything to keep him.”

    Allen says these acts of desperation cause women to lower their standards and do sexual things they never would have done.

    “After multiple experiences with women, men start to believe the expectations are normal,” Allen says.

    I’m neither condoning women feeling obligated to do things they are uncomfortable doing nor am I condemning women who are operating in their realm of freakiness. But there’s a lot out here. Everyone from naïve teenagers to non-thinking politicians … are just a send button away from getting caught in embarrassing and in some cases illegal situations.

    The rules for sexting are really not that different from the rules of sex.   Ideally it should be done with someone you’re dating…and not a casual acquaintance.

    It should also only be with someone you trust. If not, you could find that your words and photos have been forwarded or copied and pasted.

    Relationship strategist Allen says the topic of sex shouldn’t even come up on the first date.

    “Ladies we have to leave some things to the imagination. Let a man get to know you and not your vagina…your relationship will last longer.  I want to know who you are, what type of family you came from….your history…your future…your goals, etc. I want to get to know you as a person, “ she says.

    Great advice.  Yet, in conversations I’ve had with single woman many are as conflicted as they might have been during their senior years in high school about what’s expected, what’s off limits, what’s safe and what isn’t.

    The bottom line is just because the game has changed doesn’t mean that our standards have to.

    So, how are you managing your grown and sexiness? If you’ve had some dating dilemmas based on some sexual awkwardness, please share.

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