What If Honey Boo Boo Were Black?

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For starters, someone would need to get that pig, Glitzy, in check.

1. You know in African-American households, live pigs would not be on the breakfast table for any reason. If a pig is on our table, it’s name is ham, bacon, spare rib or maybe pork chop. That pig would take on a different kind of life after it’s been fried, grilled or stuffed. And not under any circumstance would you find that little piggy being cuddled before dinner. He would BE dinner.

2. Sugar Bear, Honey Boo Boo’s daddy, would have to step up his game. It seemed nice and thoughtful of him to present June, Honey Boo Boo’s momma, with a bronzed deer to remind her of their fondness for road kill. But if he wants to win a sister’s heart, he’d have to do so with more than a fake or dead deer. He’d have to bring home the real deal for a black woman.

3.  And speaking of meat, black women typically don’t serve up “sketti” sauce and noodles that is supposed to be as good as spaghetti. In a recent episode, June made the family’s favorite dish, spaghetti noodles with a special sauce simply concocted with  butter and ketchup cooked for a few seconds in the microwave. Again, we like meat. Sure you may find a few vegan men with earth-loving children, but even they want more in their sauce than a slurpy. They want chunky meat, chunky vegetables, chunky something other than plain “sketti” served in an old cereal bowl.

4. Last, but not least, someone needs to introduce Honey Boo Boo to some old-fashioned discipline. Madea  has shown us on more than one occasion that she knows how to handle sassy children. Honey Boo Boo would have to recognize that Madea and other grownups are in charge. Since when did black children get away with calling daddys by their nicknames face-to-face? Since when did black children get away with rolling the house in toilet tissue? And when did we decide to let children determine what they do and when they do it? Ask Madea.

Consider these things Mr. Perry, and you could have another hit on your hands.

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