The fears men have about marriage may not be as predictable as you may think.
Although some men have trouble imagining themselves with one woman for the rest of their lives, there are many other reasons men may not be quick to jump the broom.
"Husbands' fears are rooted primarily in rejection and self-consciousness," said Carin Goldstein, a licensed marriage therapist and creator of BeTheSmartWife.com.
Here are eight reasons your man may be afraid to put a ring on it:
-He’ll be placed on the back burner: Many men feel that they will lose your attention once kids and jobs get in the way. "As marriages progress, men often feel that all they're good for is a paycheck," said Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker and author of The Pathway to Love. Dr. Orlov recommends reserving at least 30 minutes of the day for one-on-one conversation that excludes talking about your kids, in-laws, or work.
-You’ll turn into your (or his) mother: Although some men look for similar traits of their mothers in their wives, they don’t want to experience having two mothers. Karen Sherman, PhD. and author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last believes that men fear their wives will develop the annoying traits of their mother. She suggests opening the lines of communication by telling him to nicely make you aware of when those annoying traits appear.
-You’ll talk bad about him to girlfriends: Believe it or not, men are just as self-conscious about their reputation as women. Men are afraid of becoming the “bad guy” when girlfriends are used as a sounding board after an argument. Dr. Orlov believes that talking to friends about every marital argument will only lead to reinforcing your husband’s “bad guy” image. Instead, she recommends talking to him directly to address the issue and strengthen communication.
–You’ll use the bathroom with the door open: Even though the masks are off during marriage, there are some things that experts say should remain private. Many men find it uncomfortable when their wives go to the bathroom without closing the door. Some men admit that they feel that their wife is becoming too much like them when doing so. Dr. Goldstein believes in keeping the time spent on the porcelain throne private in order to reestablish a sense of individuality.
-The sex will stop: Several men fear that as the marriage becomes more comfortable the sex will become less frequent. In many cases, men view sex as a reward for completing efforts throughout the marriage such as taking care of the home, working, or kids. Dr. Sherman suggests showing verbal and physical affection as an incentive when your husband pitches in with household chores. She also recommends being direct in saying: “If you do this, we’ll have more sex.”
-You won’t have anything in common anymore: Some men fear that the commonalities that once brought you together will change once you all are married. In many instances, life obligations can get in the way of enjoying a hobby or pastime that was previously shared. Dr. Orlov recommends taking time to share those activities or interests again to reconnect.
-You’ll try to change him: When it comes to change, Dr. Sherman refers to the old adage, “Women marry men in hopes they’ll change, while men marry women in hopes they won’t change.” When dating, each partner puts their best foot forward. However, once the relationship has progressed into a comfortable state, some women discover traits they think they can change. Dr. Sherman reminds women that if they want to change a man the message must be delivered in a gentle, lovingly fashion in order to be effective.
–Lack of alone time: Some men feel they will no longer be able to experience “me” time for themselves. Hanging out with friends, watching a football game without interruption and even reading the paper can appear unachievable for some men. However, marriage experts believe it is essential to have time apart in order to appreciate each other. "It behooves both spouses to enjoy time on their own," said Goldstein. "If he has a chance to reboot, he'll be a better husband, so it's a win-win for both partners."
