What Did We Learn?

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  • It doesn’t fail. When we go on vacation, shiggity happens. I mean, don’t get me wrong; it happens when we’re working too. But when we’re on vacation, we can’t talk about it on the air, and that sucks.

    Like, for example, you may have heard the interview I did with President Barack Obama that aired the Tuesday before Christmas, but since I recorded it on that Monday, I didn’t get a chance to tell you that he phoned in almost an hour late and how stressful that was for me and my staff. Once he was finally on the line, he was as cool as ever, and judging by most of the news from the last two weeks, he was one of the few cool ones. I don’t know if it’s the economy or the holidays, but there were lots of stories about people going smooth off!

    Mary J. Blige got so upset when she thought her husband, Kendu, was checking out a waitress, she hauled off and smacked him in the face – in public – at the club! Thanks a lot, Tiger! Note to women: Not EVERY man wants a waitress.

    Speaking of Tiger, there was no news of any new women, BUT Tiger was spotted holding hands with one of the, um, young ladies he was seeing before he got busted. Not sure which number she was, but she had to be good one.

    By the way, it’s being reported that Elin Woods hit Tiger in the cheekbone with a nine iron and almost knocked out a couple of his teeth. We all assumed that was what happened. Now we know for sure. I guess now when someone says they’re carrying a nine for protection, we can’t assume they’re talking about a gun. Tiger’s birthday was December 30th, and AT&T gave him the worst possible gift – they dropped him as a sponsor. I think it may have been because he used too many “roll-over” minutes. And just think, the cell phone is what got Tiger busted in the first place.

    In other news about alleged violence, the king of new jack swing, Teddy Riley, was accused of assaulting his daughters with a guitar from the video game “Rock Band.” Teddy denies inflicting harm on his daughters, but does admit that they are spoiled and said he’s guilty of providing them with too many material things and not enough discipline when they were growing up. Meanwhile, he has to remain 100 yards away from them – after he spent all that money on Christmas gifts. We still don’t know what got the family so upset. Maybe Teddy got mad because the game is full of Beatles’ songs and not one by Guy or BlackStreet. But hitting them with a guitar? If you have a temper, don’t buy a gift that can be used as weapon. He wouldn’t have had this problem if he bought them Snuggie’s, right? Yep, yep.

    Speaking of Snuggie’s, did you fall for the hype? Did you buy or receive a Snuggie or those Shape Up Walking Shoes that promise to improve your calves, thighs and booty without ever going near the gym? Did you find your kids a ZuZu Hamster or did you try to trick them with one of the imitations?

    We didn’t get to talk about any of that stuff…or the Somali pirates, the Nigerian terrorist (if your Nigerian, hang your head in shame) or Rush Limbaugh’s heart attack or Ivana Trump being escorted off a flight after she cursed out the crew or a woman being arrested for threatening First Lady Michelle Obama. But whether we’re working or vacationing, the news keeps happening, and I think the one thing I learned was everything can now be traced back to one thing. Because even though the woman who was arrested was sent for a mental health examination, she had written love letters and poems and claimed she knew where the president was staying while he vacationed over the holidays. So, you know, in spite of it all, Mrs. Obama had to question the Prez about it.

    I can hear it now. “Who exactly is she, and just how crazy?” I know the president was thinking it but couldn’t say, so I’ll say it for him.

    Thanks, Tiger.

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