Too Tight

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  • Yesterday, our In Studio Jam guest Ginuwine sung his now-classic hit, “In those Jeans.” J. immediately murdered it (in record time, I might add), and turned it into a song about too tight jeans. And even though he was late for work yesterday, as usual, his comedy was right on time. Today there’s a story in the news about the harm that can be caused by “skinny jeans” worn too tight. We’re leaving that part of the story to the experts, but we want to talk about how harmful it is to SEE someone wearing jeans … or anything else that is just too dang tight.

    Most of us have been perpetrators of this crime at one time or another, but some of y’all just won’t give it a break. Here’s the rule: If your clothes hurt you to wear them, they hurt those of us who have to watch you walk around in them. And it isn’t like you don’t know they’re too tight. So let’s go over why you might wear them anyway.

    Nothing else is clean. If this is the case, take a sick day. Just call your boss and say, “You’re in a tight spot.” He or she will understand. Another excuse is that you think they will loosen up as the day goes by. That’s a big lie. If anything, they’ll get tighter — especially after you have those two donuts in the morning. By lunchtime, you will need to be cut out of them. There are times when we lose a little weight and try to get back into something a size or two smaller before it’s time. When you think you might be ready, 99 percent of the time you aren’t. Give it another six months. Finally, sometimes we just hope that others won’t notice that our clothes are too tight. That never happens. In fact, if you’re a serial tight-clothes wearer, people are waiting for you to get off the elevator just so they can see how tight your clothes are going to be.

    If you feel that air between those buttons on your shirt, people can see your skin. If you have more meat than material on your pants and manage to squeeze it all in, it doesn’t stay there; it rises to the top. If your pants have pockets on the sides, and you can’t put your hands in them — or the pockets have moved so far away from each other that they’re in different area codes, people can see that.

    I’m saying all this because I love you. Which brings me to today’s “For Real, For Real” poll. It’s about telling people close to us that their look is jacked up. Have you had to do it? Has it been done to you? Or is it that friends don’t let friends go out of the house looking like a fool? Write me, call me, or text me at OhOhOh (646464), and tell me what you think.

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